NEW YORK — Less than ten years after their shotgun wedding, Keurig and Dr Pepper have announced they’re officially splitting up, citing “irreconcilable differences over who gets custody of Snapple.”
The breakup comes just as Keurig plunked down $18 billion to buy Peet’s Coffee, apparently deciding it wanted to “see other coffee.” Immediately afterward, Keurig Dr Pepper admitted it was just too complicated living under the same corporate roof, with one partner waking up at 5 a.m. to brew single-serve pods while the other stayed out all night shotgunning energy drinks.
“Honestly, we were just pretending for the shareholders,” said CEO Timothy Cofer, who will now take full custody of Dr Pepper, Snapple, and “all the cool friends.” Meanwhile, Chief Financial Officer Sudhanshu Priyadarshi will run off with the coffee business to Amsterdam, where caffeine and questionable life choices are still legal.
The SEC is reportedly investigating who gets the family dog (Green Mountain K-Cups), after discovering the company lied about it being “100% recyclable.”
Wall Street responded with a 7% drop in stock price, which experts describe as “about the same emotional crash as when your Keurig machine tells you to descale again.”
Industry analysts predict that the split will allow both sides to focus on what they do best: one company selling hot bean water to over-caffeinated office workers, and the other selling sugar in liquid form to people who call their Xbox controller “a lifestyle.”
When asked if there was any chance for reconciliation, Cofer shook his head and said:
“We like, and I like, the coffee category. Why? It’s huge. It’s ubiquitous. Also, Dr Pepper is seeing someone else.”
🍵🥤 Keurig and Dr Pepper: proof that not even corporate mergers can survive the morning after.