WASHINGTON—Continuing America’s proud transition from representative democracy into a hereditary Arby’s franchise, President Donald Trump announced Monday that Lindsey Graham’s vacant Senate seat should pass directly to Graham’s sister, because apparently elected office now works like inheriting your dead uncle’s pornography collection. “She’s Lindsey’s sister, which makes her tremendously qualified,” Trump reportedly explained while attempting […]
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Cannabis containing THC is legal for adults age 21 and older under Illinois law, but “legal” does not mean free from impairment, workplace restrictions or everyday consequences. THC—short for delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol—is the primary intoxicating compound in cannabis. Its effects can range from relaxation and altered sensory perception to difficulty concentrating, slowed reactions, impaired short-term memory, anxiety, […]
After drinking alcohol the night before, some people notice that their computer screen does not look quite as sharp the following morning. The words may still be readable, but small text looks slightly fuzzy. The eyes may take longer to focus. Spreadsheets, emails and detailed documents may require more effort than usual. Bright screens may […]
Temporarily blurry, unfocused, or slightly distorted vision can occur after drinking alcohol. Although people often describe the problem simply as “blurry vision,” alcohol can interfere with several separate visual functions, including the ability to focus, distinguish objects from their background, judge depth, coordinate both eyes, and keep the eyes steadily fixed on a target. Research […]
A Linux kernel bug introduced in 2010 has reportedly been discovered inside KVM, where it has spent the last 16 years quietly aging like a cursed bottle of wine in the crawlspace of modern infrastructure. The vulnerability, Januscape, can allegedly allow a malicious virtual machine to break out of its guest environment and run code […]
WASHINGTON—In a major breakthrough for Americans bravely trying to survive the modern retail experience, consumers can now split the cost of a hoodie, air fryer, or emotionally necessary Target run into four painless payments that only become psychologically devastating after the third reminder email. Financial experts praised Buy Now, Pay Later services for giving shoppers […]
In a stunning act of long-term commitment, a Linux kernel vulnerability reportedly introduced in 2010 has emerged from hiding to remind sysadmins that “stable” and “emotionally stable” are two very different things. The bug, known as Januscape, affects KVM and may allow a malicious virtual machine to escape into the host, which experts describe as […]
A daring, almost confrontational entry in the post-leftover starch movement, this dish announces itself with the confidence of something that should not exist, yet somehow demands to be finished standing over the sink. The fries, once crisp in a previous life, return here as soft, oil-kissed relics — collapsing gently into the pasta like elderly […]
Area man and self-declared “starch visionary” has reportedly changed the course of cuisine after microwaving soggy-ish fries alongside leftover pasta and realizing the result was not a mistake, but a beautiful swamp of carbohydrates. “What the cowards call ‘wet fries,’ I call texture,” he said, standing over a steaming bowl of noodle-potato chaos that looked […]
In what culinary historians are already calling “a cry for help, but with potential,” one local man has announced that microwaving soggy-ish leftover fries alongside pasta creates what can only be described as a glorious, starch-forward goulash. “People hear ‘wet fries’ and they panic,” he said, stirring a bowl containing noodles, limp potatoes, and the […]