Automaker says disappointing earnings will be offset by robots ending poverty, driverless taxis achieving infinite demand, and several other products scheduled to dominate civilization shortly after they exist. AUSTIN, TX—Tesla sought to calm investors Wednesday after reporting significantly lower-than-expected second-quarter profits, assuring shareholders that the company remains the undisputed global leader in manufacturing promises about […]
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Company celebrates proving its platforms are harmless after 15-year-old chooses therapy over several weeks of lawyers, depositions, exhibits, and adults debating his childhood in a Los Angeles courtroom. LOS ANGELES— Meta declared a decisive victory for teenage mental health Wednesday after a 15-year-old Florida boy dropped his lawsuit days before trial, reportedly concluding that enduring […]
Officials assure public the kingdom’s nuclear materials will be used only for peaceful energy, regional stability, and whatever becomes necessary later WASHINGTON—In a major breakthrough for nuclear nonproliferation, the Trump administration announced Wednesday that the United States will help Saudi Arabia develop a civilian nuclear program that may eventually include enriching its own uranium, thereby […]
A local man who ordered a Casey’s “Fresh Turkey Ranch Wrap” online was reportedly thrilled to receive the full made-to-order experience: paying in advance, being told preparation would take 20 minutes, driving to the store, waiting another three minutes, and then watching an employee pick the factory-sealed wrap directly off a refrigerated shelf. “Honestly, I […]
YORKVILLE, IL—Authorities confirmed Wednesday that a local woman has been charged with first-degree murder after presenting investigators with the increasingly ambitious theory that her boyfriend attacked her, discharged a firearm, and then somehow shot himself through the back. According to court documents, 31-year-old Lindsy Kendrick allegedly told police, “He has a gun in there,” “He […]
CHICAGO—A longtime Big Ten Network director was sentenced to 28 months in federal prison after using company funds to purchase more than $4 million in Apple products, reselling them for approximately $1.1 million, and successfully transforming corporate theft into the world’s least efficient side hustle. Authorities say Weston Goldstein repeatedly bought iPhones, MacBooks, and other […]
KANE COUNTY, IL — Authorities announced Tuesday that six men have been arrested in connection with an alleged multi-county prostitution operation, successfully apprehending what appears to be the organization’s entire Assistant Regional Leasing Coordinator department while providing no information whatsoever about whether an actual kingpin exists. The sweeping investigation targeted residential apartments in Aurora, West […]
ALGONQUIN, IL — After eight years as a chief investigator, nearly four years as an executive administrative assistant, a brief assignment teaching Spanish, and seven years working in municipal records, Michelle Bathauer has reportedly completed the only logical career progression remaining: asking a room full of sweaty suburbanites to “soften their gaze.” Bathauer, whose résumé […]
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Newspapers: which ones to trust?
These five outlets are trusted because they use financial structures that block billionaires, tech moguls, or corporations from controlling their journalism. Ownership & Bias History of Other Major Sources Most mainstream media companies have transitioned from family-owned institutions into billionaire investments or massive multinational conglomerates, reshaping their editorial landscape. 1. The Washington Post 2. The […]
DALLAS — Declaring itself fully prepared for threats that may not exist for another decade, AT&T announced Monday that it has partnered with Palo Alto Networks to protect sensitive corporate data from quantum computers, while continuing to leave customers defenseless against billing errors, dropped calls, and the customer service chatbot named “Jessica.” The new Quantum-Resilient […]