DALLAS — Declaring itself fully prepared for threats that may not exist for another decade, AT&T announced Monday that it has partnered with Palo Alto Networks to protect sensitive corporate data from quantum computers, while continuing to leave customers defenseless against billing errors, dropped calls, and the customer service chatbot named “Jessica.” The new Quantum-Resilient […]
Archives
DALLAS— Seeking permission to retire California’s aging copper telephone network, AT&T assured regulators this week that its proposed wireless replacement will provide reliable phone service to nearly every rural resident fortunate enough to live somewhere that does not actually need a wireless replacement. The telecommunications giant said its new AT&T Phone Advanced service would deliver […]
Trump Warns Nation That Any Election He Does Not Win May Contain Dangerous Levels of Losing WASHINGTON — In a prime-time address Thursday, President Donald Trump warned Americans that the nation’s elections face an unprecedented threat: the possibility that voters may occasionally select someone other than Donald Trump. Speaking from the East Room of the […]
NEWARK, CA—Seeking to calm shareholders following reports that the electric vehicle manufacturer could be considering bankruptcy, Lucid Motors CEO Silvio Napoli issued a forceful statement Thursday confirming that the company possesses more than enough liquidity to continue insisting everything is fine well into next year. “Lucid is not considering bankruptcy, going private, shutting down, being […]
WASHINGTON—In a historic breakthrough for wealthy Americans who consider taxes a personal attack, acting Attorney General Todd Blanche has reportedly granted President Trump and several members of his financial cinematic universe immunity from IRS investigations into previously filed tax returns. The arrangement effectively tells the IRS, “Whatever you think you saw, no you didn’t,” while […]
NEWARK, CA — Shares of Lucid collapsed Tuesday after investors were stunned to discover that the electric-vehicle manufacturer may eventually need to generate more money than it incinerates. The stock plunged more than 45% before trading was halted, giving shareholders a brief opportunity to sit quietly and remember what their savings used to look like. […]
WASHINGTON—Continuing America’s proud transition from representative democracy into a hereditary Arby’s franchise, President Donald Trump announced Monday that Lindsey Graham’s vacant Senate seat should pass directly to Graham’s sister, because apparently elected office now works like inheriting your dead uncle’s pornography collection. “She’s Lindsey’s sister, which makes her tremendously qualified,” Trump reportedly explained while attempting […]
Cannabis containing THC is legal for adults age 21 and older under Illinois law, but “legal” does not mean free from impairment, workplace restrictions or everyday consequences. THC—short for delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol—is the primary intoxicating compound in cannabis. Its effects can range from relaxation and altered sensory perception to difficulty concentrating, slowed reactions, impaired short-term memory, anxiety, […]
After drinking alcohol the night before, some people notice that their computer screen does not look quite as sharp the following morning. The words may still be readable, but small text looks slightly fuzzy. The eyes may take longer to focus. Spreadsheets, emails and detailed documents may require more effort than usual. Bright screens may […]
Temporarily blurry, unfocused, or slightly distorted vision can occur after drinking alcohol. Although people often describe the problem simply as “blurry vision,” alcohol can interfere with several separate visual functions, including the ability to focus, distinguish objects from their background, judge depth, coordinate both eyes, and keep the eyes steadily fixed on a target. Research […]