Local investor and part-time Level II quote shaman reportedly has both a sell order and a limit order placed on the same penny stock, a move experts say reveals a rare personality type: someone who wants out immediately, but only if the universe first apologizes and pays a premium. “He’s not panicking,” said one behavioral […]
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WASHINGTON — In a bold step forward for modern warfare, Pentagon officials confirmed this week that Elon Musk’s Grok chatbot has become an essential national security tool, marking the first time in history that a military operation has been entrusted to software best known for confidently explaining why your uncle’s Facebook post is “actually kind […]
HAWTHORNE, CA — In a stunning development that finance experts described as “inevitable once everyone remembered space has fewer parking regulations,” SpaceX has reportedly become more valuable than Tesla after investors concluded that selling internet from orbit, launching everyone else’s rockets, and eventually turning the sky into a subscription service may be a slightly bigger […]
HUNTLEY, IL — Local real estate experts confirmed this week that a Covington Lakes home listed near $600,000 has officially raised the bar from “nice suburban house” to “small independent municipality with a wet bar.” The 5-bedroom, 3.1-bath home, boasting roughly 5,300 square feet of living space, reportedly includes a finished deep-pour basement, media room, […]
WASHINGTON—In a bold move to restore public confidence in the Department of Justice, President Trump announced Monday that he had nominated his former personal attorney Todd Blanche to serve as attorney general, saying Blanche was “the most qualified man in America to determine which laws apply to me personally.” White House officials praised the nomination […]
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The Quiet Problem With A.I. Tutors
Last year, I visited a seventh-grade math classroom in a public school in the Bronx. About 20 students were working on laptops with an A.I. tutor, solving story problems about converting fractions to decimals. Their teacher walked around the room, checking a dashboard that showed how many tries each student needed to get the answer […]
NEW YORK—In a major breakthrough expected to revolutionize medicine, ethics, and the already unbearable behavior of certain parents at youth soccer games, scientists announced this week they have edited human embryos with unprecedented accuracy, bringing humanity one step closer to eliminating devastating genetic diseases and several thousand steps closer to someone paying $80,000 to make […]
SAN FRANCISCO—In a sobering message to the technology industry, Anthropic warned this week that artificial intelligence companies may need to install a “brake pedal” on advanced AI systems, ideally before the vehicles finish designing faster vehicles, lobbying Congress, optimizing the brake pedal out of existence, and naming themselves interim CEO. The warning comes amid growing […]
SAN FRANCISCO—Explaining that “everything is going great, probably,” executives at a leading AI company announced this week that artificial intelligence is now helping build better artificial intelligence, marking what experts are calling “a thrilling new era in which the toaster has begun sketching designs for a smarter toaster that no longer accepts bread from humans.” […]
CHICAGO—After years of bravely holding the American economy together with DoorDash orders, emergency Target runs, and the occasional spiritually devastating grocery receipt, U.S. consumers are reportedly nearing the point where they may no longer be able to perform their patriotic duty of purchasing name-brand mayonnaise at mortgage-adjacent prices. The warning came after Kraft Heinz CEO […]