WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a breakthrough for patients who fear needles more than obesity, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has approved the pill version of Wegovy — the weight-loss drug best known for turning weekly injections into weekly Instagram captions. Dubbed simply “The Wegovy Pill” (after more creative names like “Not-So-Skinny Mint” and “Semaglutide […]
Month: December 2025
VATICAN CITY — Conservative American Catholics have declared “spiritual secession” from the Vatican this week after Pope Leo XIV shocked supporters by acting like… well, a Pope. Jesse Romero, conservative podcaster and amateur canon law expert (certified by a Facebook group), has called for Pope Leo XIV to “stay in his theological lane” after the […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning rebuke, the Supreme Court has denied President Trump’s emergency request to deploy National Guard troops to Chicago as part of his ongoing quest to militarize brunch spots and scare the avocado toast out of sanctuary cities. Legal scholars say the ruling marks the first time in history that a […]
LONDON — In a bold move to ensure no one ever makes eye contact with another human in transit again, Uber and Lyft have announced a joint partnership with Chinese tech giant Baidu to unleash a fleet of fully driverless Apollo Go RT6 robotaxis across the UK starting in 2026. Because nothing says “trust” like […]
PALM BEACH, FL & THE CORE OF A DYING STAR — In a move analysts are calling “equal parts Shark Tank pitch and Marvel origin story,” Trump Media & Technology Group announced it will merge with fusion energy company TAE Technologies to create the universe’s first AI-powered social reactor or, as some call it, “TruthStar […]
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — In a historic twist of irony so pure it could power a data center, Google has filed a lawsuit against SerpApi for scraping Google Search results—an act Google sternly believes is reserved exclusively for Google, its bots, and its seventeen AI initiatives currently scraping the rest of the internet for free. […]
CHICAGO, IL — What began as a wholesome $10 holiday donation near Southport and Addison reportedly escalated into a $45,000 Christmas miracle for three enterprising men who briefly masqueraded as a South Side daycare, sources confirmed Thursday. “I thought I was spreading a little cheer,” said local woman Lauren, still clutching her receipt and a […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning new development sure to make Thanksgiving dinner more awkward for several billionaires, House Democrats have released a fresh batch of Jeffrey Epstein estate photos, saying they’re “just trying to be transparent” while also noting “lol wait until you see folder 64.” The new images include: One House Democrat said, […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unprecedented act of bipartisan unity, House Democrats and Republicans have come together to do what America does best: release a curated photo dump and pretend it’s transparency. A newly unveiled batch of photos from the estate of Jeffrey Epstein has stunned Americans not because they feature powerful men in Epstein’s […]
LAKE FOREST, IL — In a heartwarming holiday email sent moments after reminding members not to reply under any circumstances, Consumers Credit Union reassured customers that it remains deeply focused on people, not money — despite continuing to be a place where money is kept, moved, borrowed, limited, doubled, withdrawn, and occasionally denied. “We just […]
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