VATICAN CITY — Conservative American Catholics have declared “spiritual secession” from the Vatican this week after Pope Leo XIV shocked supporters by acting like… well, a Pope.
Jesse Romero, conservative podcaster and amateur canon law expert (certified by a Facebook group), has called for Pope Leo XIV to “stay in his theological lane” after the Pontiff dared to quote Jesus in a statement about U.S. immigration policy.
“The Pope’s job is to tell us how to get to Heaven — not how to get to El Paso,” Romero said, sipping a Freedom Roast K-Cup beneath a crucifix and a framed photo of Donald Trump baptizing the Statue of Liberty.
From Magisterium to MAGA-sterium
Romero and fellow ultra-patriots say they were hoping for a “Trump-like Pope” — someone who would “build a wall around sin” and maybe even around Vatican City. Instead, they got Leo XIV, who apparently believes Jesus meant all that “love thy neighbor” stuff.
Pope Leo has enraged traditionalists by:
- Hosting foot-washing ceremonies with asylum seekers instead of CEOs,
- Saying “pro-life” means caring for people after birth,
- And worst of all: referencing the Gospel in public without first checking with JD Vance.
Romero’s Plan B: Pope Chad I
Disappointed in the Vatican’s liberal turn, Romero has launched a GoFundMe for what he calls an “America First Papacy,” promising to install Pope Chad I, a 38-year-old former CrossFit instructor turned theology influencer, in a replica Sistine Chapel built inside a Bass Pro Shops in Tulsa.
“I don’t need some Jesuit telling me about Matthew 25,” Romero said. “I’ve got Tucker Carlson and the Constitution. That’s all the scripture I need.”
ICE in the Manger
Meanwhile, controversy has snowballed after St. Susanna’s Parish in Massachusetts replaced baby Jesus in its nativity scene with a sign reading “ICE WAS HERE.”
The Archdiocese has demanded the removal of the display, citing Canon Law §2.3b: “Thou shalt not own the libs with the baby Jesus.”
St. Susanna’s pastor responded by replacing the donkey with a protester in handcuffs and adding “Sanctuary” to the church’s Google Maps listing. ICE agents have reportedly filed a cease-and-desist… with the Baby Jesus.
Catholics Confused About Which Doctrine to Ignore
White House immigration czar Tom Homan — himself a Catholic — said that the Church “should stick to Eucharist and exorcisms,” claiming deportation isn’t anti-Catholic because “Mary and Joseph eventually found housing.”
JD Vance, speaking at the National Catholic Prayer Breakfast sponsored by Chick-fil-A and Halliburton, added: “We must respect life from conception to border checkpoint.”
When asked if mass deportations might cause mass suffering, Vance replied: “Suffering builds character. Especially in others.”
Coming Soon: Papal Debate Night on Fox
The situation has become so divisive that Fox News is planning a 2026 “Pope-Off” debate between Pope Leo XIV and Jesse Romero, moderated by Sean Hannity in a ceremonial biretta.
Viewers will vote live to determine which leader best represents “Real Catholicism™.”
Final Thoughts
As the schism deepens, Bishop Joseph Tyson of Yakima reminded parishioners that “Jesus was a refugee,” prompting several prominent donors to demand his immediate deportation.
Back in Chicago, ICE agents reportedly blocked a priest from delivering Eucharist to detainees, citing a new policy called “No Host Left Behind.”
When reached for comment, Pope Leo simply muttered, “Forgive them, Father… they know not what they Fox.”