CHICAGO—Declaring decades of burger research had finally reached its inevitable conclusion, McDonald’s announced Tuesday the release of its new Big Arch Burger, the company’s “most McDonald’s McDonald’s burger,” which insiders confirmed is now approximately 97% McDonald’s by volume. “This isn’t just a burger,” said a visibly emotional McDonald’s executive, gently placing two quarter-pound patties onto […]
Month: February 2026
FARGO, ND — In a stunning reversal that has sent shockwaves through the nation’s long-dormant hamstrings, 47-year-old Jamie Selzler confirmed this week that physical movement, long believed to be a punitive ritual administered by disappointed gym employees, is now “kind of enjoyable.” Selzler, who spent decades viewing exercise primarily as a court-ordered apology to his […]
In a stunning development that has blindsided absolutely no one except apparently the laws of infrastructure planning, ChargePoint announced that electric vehicle charging demand is growing faster than the number of actual chargers. Sources confirm that after reviewing more than 100 million charging sessions, the company has discovered a radical new economic principle: when you […]
HAWTHORNE, CA — In a bold move experts are calling “technically legal” and “emotionally exhausting,” Elon Musk announced that SpaceX has acquired xAI, a company he also owns, in order to solve the AI industry’s biggest problem: the Earth. According to a SpaceX website update posted sometime between a rocket launch and a meme, Musk […]
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