NEW YORK—In a major breakthrough expected to revolutionize medicine, ethics, and the already unbearable behavior of certain parents at youth soccer games, scientists announced this week they have edited human embryos with unprecedented accuracy, bringing humanity one step closer to eliminating devastating genetic diseases and several thousand steps closer to someone paying $80,000 to make […]
Month: June 2026
SAN FRANCISCO—In a sobering message to the technology industry, Anthropic warned this week that artificial intelligence companies may need to install a “brake pedal” on advanced AI systems, ideally before the vehicles finish designing faster vehicles, lobbying Congress, optimizing the brake pedal out of existence, and naming themselves interim CEO. The warning comes amid growing […]
SAN FRANCISCO—Explaining that “everything is going great, probably,” executives at a leading AI company announced this week that artificial intelligence is now helping build better artificial intelligence, marking what experts are calling “a thrilling new era in which the toaster has begun sketching designs for a smarter toaster that no longer accepts bread from humans.” […]
CHICAGO—After years of bravely holding the American economy together with DoorDash orders, emergency Target runs, and the occasional spiritually devastating grocery receipt, U.S. consumers are reportedly nearing the point where they may no longer be able to perform their patriotic duty of purchasing name-brand mayonnaise at mortgage-adjacent prices. The warning came after Kraft Heinz CEO […]
WASHINGTON—In a reassuring reminder that America remains a nation of laws, several of which are apparently negotiable in bulk, former national security adviser John Bolton has reportedly agreed to plead guilty to one count of retaining classified information after prosecutors carefully placed the original 18 counts into the federal justice system’s industrial-grade count-reduction machine. Officials […]
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