WASHINGTON—In a bold move to restore public confidence in the Department of Justice, President Trump announced Monday that he had nominated his former personal attorney Todd Blanche to serve as attorney general, saying Blanche was “the most qualified man in America to determine which laws apply to me personally.”
White House officials praised the nomination as the result of a rigorous vetting process in which Blanche reportedly answered several difficult questions, including “Will you?” “Can you?” and “How quickly?”
“Todd understands the Justice Department from every angle,” said one senior administration official. “As a former prosecutor, he knows how the system works. As the president’s former defense lawyer, he knows how the system should stop working immediately when it becomes inconvenient.”
Blanche’s nomination comes amid scrutiny over a proposed $1.8 billion fund for people who claim they were mistreated by the government, a category expected to include patriots who bravely toured the Capitol on Jan. 6 using only flagpoles, zip ties, bear spray, and a sincere misunderstanding of electoral procedure.
Administration officials denied that the fund was political, noting that any taxpayer money would be distributed through a fair, transparent process overseen by people appointed by the attorney general, removable by the president, and spiritually guided by the phrase “I love it.”
Critics have also raised concerns about reports that the arrangement included protections from tax investigations for Trump, his family, and his businesses. Supporters pushed back, saying it is entirely normal for the nation’s top law enforcement office to also function as a family office, customer service desk, and emotional reimbursement portal.
At his upcoming confirmation hearing, Blanche is expected to emphasize his independence by stating, under oath, that he has never once confused the Justice Department with Trump’s personal legal team because “the stationery is completely different.”
Senate Republicans, meanwhile, are said to be privately furious, publicly supportive, and procedurally resigned to discovering that their concerns expired sometime between the closed-door meeting and the roll-call vote.
Asked what qualities he wanted in an attorney general, Trump said he was looking for someone with integrity, courage, legal experience, and “that special thing where they don’t make a weird face when I say something.”
At press time, Blanche had reportedly assured lawmakers that he would faithfully defend the Constitution, provided it was not being weaponized against its largest and most important client.