WASHINGTON—In a historic breakthrough for wealthy Americans who consider taxes a personal attack, acting Attorney General Todd Blanche has reportedly granted President Trump and several members of his financial cinematic universe immunity from IRS investigations into previously filed tax returns.
The arrangement effectively tells the IRS, “Whatever you think you saw, no you didn’t,” while preserving the agency’s authority to continue auditing waitresses who forgot to report a $14 Venmo payment.
Blanche, Trump’s former personal lawyer and current acting attorney general because apparently conflict-of-interest laws are now printed on disappearing ink, insisted the agreement was completely normal.
“This is the same deal available to any American,” Blanche explained, “provided that American is president, owns several golf resorts, appointed me, and has my personal cellphone number saved under ‘Todd—Legal/Favors.’”
Under the directive, the IRS must abandon certain existing inquiries involving Trump, his sons, the Trump Organization, and possibly anyone who has ever stood close enough to Trump to appear in the background of a wedding photograph.
The order reportedly covers tax matters that are pending, could be pending, might someday become pending, or were beginning to feel a little pending in their lower back.
Tax experts described the provision as “extraordinarily unusual,” “possibly unprecedented,” and “a bold new interpretation of equal protection under the law in which one guy receives all of it.”
The IRS had historically audited presidents every year to ensure the nation’s most powerful officeholder was not abusing the tax system. Officials confirmed that policy has now been replaced with a simpler procedure in which agents mail Trump a blank postcard reading, “Looks good, boss.”
Democrats called the deal corrupt. Several Republicans also expressed concern after briefly mistaking the immunity provision for something Hunter Biden had received.
Blanche emphasized that the protection is not forward-looking, meaning Trump’s future tax returns could theoretically still be audited.
“Anything filed after the agreement is fair game,” Blanche said, before winking so hard that three senators suffered retinal damage.
The agreement was reached as part of a settlement over Trump’s lawsuit alleging the IRS failed to prevent the leak of his tax returns. Rather than defend the case using legal arguments recommended by IRS attorneys, the Justice Department apparently chose the more efficient route of giving Trump everything he wanted and asking whether he needed help loading it into the car.
A related proposal would have created a $1.8 billion “anti-weaponization” fund to compensate Trump’s political allies, but the plan was abandoned after lawmakers objected to calling a federal loyalty payout a “fund” instead of its traditional name: a bag with dollar signs on it.
Experts say the audit immunity marks an important evolution in American taxation, from the outdated principle that no one is above the law to the more modern doctrine that the law should know when to stop being fucking rude.