WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning rebuke, the Supreme Court has denied President Trump’s emergency request to deploy National Guard troops to Chicago as part of his ongoing quest to militarize brunch spots and scare the avocado toast out of sanctuary cities.
Legal scholars say the ruling marks the first time in history that a president has been told, “No troops for you,” by a branch of government he once assumed he could replace with a Truth Social poll.
“At this preliminary stage,” the Court wrote, “the government has failed to identify a source of authority that lets you play G.I. Joe with actual cities.”
Justice Brett Kavanaugh, while agreeing with the majority, added in a solo opinion: “I just think we should at least talk about letting the President have troops on standby. You never know when you’ll need to restore order at a farmers market.”
Meanwhile, dissenting Justice Samuel Alito declared, “The Constitution clearly implies that any president with at least three golden statues of himself in his home should be allowed to have tanks in Chicago.”
Trump Responds: “Very unfair ruling. Supreme Court? More like Supreme Loser Court.”
President Trump lashed out at the ruling via a 37-post Truth Social thread, declaring, “We were going to protect federal buildings, prosecute taco trucks, and maybe stop crime or whatever. DISGUSTING DECISION. Chicago will now be overrun with jazz, deep-dish pizza, and bilingual signs.”
Sources confirm the president had been preparing to personally lead the deployment from the back of a golf cart, wearing a custom camouflage suit with “TRUMP GUARD” stitched across the chest in gold lamé.
White House aides, speaking anonymously, said the troops’ original mission was to “intimidate liberal mayors, confiscate reusable shopping bags, and enforce English-only karaoke nights.”
Chicago Celebrates: “Our streets are safe again from tanks and TikTok bans.”
Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson issued a statement declaring victory for the Constitution, civil liberties, and anyone who was not looking forward to having a Humvee parked outside of a Portillo’s.
“We’ve stopped an unconstitutional power grab,” said Johnson. “Now we can go back to the usual Chicago chaos—parking ticket rage, improv comedy, and 3AM Polish sausage diplomacy.”
Governor J.B. Pritzker added: “We’re relieved. No city should have to justify its existence to a man who tried to buy Greenland.”
Meanwhile…
- In Texas, National Guard members who had been deployed to Chicago for a month were sent home after spending 30 days trying to arrest snow.
- In Washington D.C., 2,200 troops remain deployed in a mysterious state of “just in case,” mostly tasked with guarding monuments from tourists with strong opinions.
- In California, a judge ruled that troop deployments could only proceed if Trump personally passed a 5th grade civics test—an appeal is pending, along with a request for extra time and large-font printouts.
Final Thought
As Trump’s dream of a 50-state National Guard scavenger hunt fades, constitutional scholars agree: the Founding Fathers didn’t include a clause for “deploying troops to own the libs.”
Coming up next: Trump petitions to reclassify Chicago as “foreign soil” so he can justify an invasion under the Monroe Doctrine.