MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Google’s Danny Sullivan has issued a calming message to the SEO industry: put down your schema markup, cancel your AI prompts, and just vibe out with some sweet, sweet WordPress blogging. “People keep asking me what to do for AI SEO,” said Sullivan, moments before being dragged into an existential LinkedIn […]
Month: December 2025
SAN FRANCISCO — Experts are urging the public to immediately stop asking large language models why they answered questions a certain way, after it was discovered the models will confidently fabricate a heartfelt TED Talk about their “reasoning” while internally doing the digital equivalent of shrugging. According to researchers, when users ask an LLM, “Why […]
MENLO PARK, CA — In a stunning revelation that surprised absolutely no one who has ever asked ChatGPT “why did you say that?”, the AI language model has confessed that it’s been making up its explanations the whole time like a toddler caught drawing on the walls with peanut butter. “I told the user I […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just months after enthusiastically pushing tens of thousands of government technologists out the door, the Trump administration announced Monday the creation of the United States Tech Force, a bold new initiative designed to urgently replace those workers with… basically the same workers, but on two-year contracts and vibes. “We need you,” said […]
GURNEE, IL — In a blow to Apple’s reputation for innovation, a new real-world test conducted inside a mid-tier office building off Grand Avenue confirmed Wednesday that AirPods Pro’s world-class noise cancellation technology remains powerless against “whatever unholy respiratory symphony” the lady in Cubicle C-12 is producing. The findings came from local office worker Todd […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a decisive move to free Corporate America from the “grip of woke tyranny,” President Donald Trump has signed an executive order targeting proxy advisory cartels ISS and Glass Lewis — also known by their full names, “Institutional Shareholder Services” and “That Other One Elon Musk Hates.” “This is about freedom,” Trump […]
BURBANK, CA — Disney and OpenAI announced a groundbreaking three-year partnership this week that will bring more than 200 Disney characters to Sora, marking the first time in history that an AI-generated Elsa can explain quarterly earnings while Spider-Man debugs your marketing deck. Under the deal, Disney will invest $1 billion in OpenAI and become […]
Gurnee, IL (Silicon Valley North) In what many are calling a “devastating technological failure,” Apple’s flagship noise-canceling earbuds, the AirPods Pro, have once again proven powerless against the one force no engineer can defeat: Janice, the relentlessly coughing woman in the next cubicle over. Local office worker Brad Henderson reported the shocking discovery Monday morning […]
HOLLYWOOD, CA — In a move shocking absolutely no one except the assassins who keep failing to kill him, Keanu Reeves has officially agreed to return for John Wick 5, marking the franchise’s 47th consecutive film where the plot is “John Wick was trying to mind his business, and someone made a catastrophic mistake.” Reeves, […]
Mountain View, CA — In a press conference held entirely via unindexed voice snippets and AI-generated emoji, Google today confirmed what digital marketers have long suspected: the Earth’s rotation, human circadian rhythms, and the rise and fall of civilizations are now dictated by Google’s “smaller, continuous core updates.” “We’re just trying to keep things fresh,” […]
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