WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a decisive move to free Corporate America from the “grip of woke tyranny,” President Donald Trump has signed an executive order targeting proxy advisory cartels ISS and Glass Lewis — also known by their full names, “Institutional Shareholder Services” and “That Other One Elon Musk Hates.”
“This is about freedom,” Trump declared during a press conference held between rounds at Mar-a-Lago’s exclusive Putt-Putt Golf Championship. “Freedom from ESG. Freedom from DEI. Freedom for Elon to finally be worth more than Apple.”
The order instructs the SEC to begin an urgent review of how these firms have been using radical ideas like “diversity” and “long-term environmental planning” to advise people how to vote. Critics argue this could lead to dangerous things, like informed decision-making or holding CEOs accountable.
“This is a huge victory for the everyday billionaire,” said Tesla CEO and part-time Martian colonizer Elon Musk. “These firms have been trying to stop me from receiving a completely normal $1 trillion pay package just because I occasionally rename products after memes and livestream cage matches with Mark Zuckerberg.”
Jamie Dimon, JPMorgan CEO and lifelong ISS/Glass Lewis hater, added his voice to the celebration: “For years, I’ve said these firms were incompetent. Now, thanks to Trump, they’ll be reviewed by…the government. So, you know, definitely a step up.”
ESG and DEI: The Alphabet Mafia of Wall Street?
Critics of ISS and Glass Lewis claim these organizations have been pushing so-called “woke capitalism” by encouraging companies to consider… (gasp) …the future.
“This is America,” said one anonymous Florida official. “If I wanted my investments to care about climate change, I’d move to Canada, where Glass Lewis is from — which is basically communism with better healthcare.”
The order also calls on the Federal Trade Commission to investigate whether having two companies that disagree with billionaires is a monopoly.
Proxy Firms Respond by Quietly Googling “How to Un-woke Your Brand in 10 Easy Steps”
In response, ISS released a statement confirming it would remain “committed to professionalism, independence, and the illusion of neutrality.” Glass Lewis declined to comment, possibly because they were still updating their resume templates.
Legal analysts predict the review could take months or years, giving Musk just enough time to tweet through it and launch another AI startup shaped like a Shiba Inu.
Meanwhile, Trump hinted at future orders:
- A ban on companies requiring board members to “know what they’re doing.”
- A new Department of Patriotic Compensation to ensure all CEOs earn at least 800x their lowest-paid worker.
- And a constitutional amendment preventing corporations from using words like “inclusive” or “sustainable” unless referring to golf courses or country clubs.
Stay tuned for updates, pending legal challenges, and a possible “Truth Social” NFT drop commemorating the Day Capitalism Was Saved From Voting Advice.