🚨 Breaking Satire News: WordPress Attempts to Trademark the Concept of Breathing Next 🚨

In what experts are calling “the boldest move since someone tried to copyright the color blue,” the WordPress Foundation has suffered a crushing defeat at the hands of the United States Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO). Their applications to trademark the phrases “Managed WordPress” and “Hosted WordPress” were rejected, on the grounds that… well… those words are literally just English.

The USPTO, with the patience of a kindergarten teacher explaining why you can’t trademark the word “sandwich,” informed WordPress that it must disclaim the word ‘Managed’ since it merely describes what WordPress is. Sources say the next step is asking them to disclaim the word “Word” and also “Press,” leaving them with just “™.”

Meanwhile, legal analysts warn this could set a dangerous precedent:

• Netflix may soon be barred from trademarking the phrase “Watching Shows on the Couch.”
• McDonald’s lawyers are panicking that “Managed Fries” might not hold up in court.
• Elon Musk is already drafting paperwork to trademark “Breathing (Managed).”

WordPress, however, isn’t giving up. They have filed a Request for Reconsideration, essentially sliding a sticky note across the judge’s desk that says, “but please???”

Industry insiders say if this fails, the Foundation will pivot to trademarking increasingly desperate phrases like:

• “Definitely WordPress™”
• “WordPress, but Sexy™”
• “Unmanaged, Untamed WordPress™”

One anonymous USPTO examiner summed it up best:

“If I let them trademark ‘Managed WordPress,’ my kid is going to try trademarking ‘Clean Room’ before he picks up his Legos.”

Stay tuned as WordPress continues its noble quest to corner the market on obvious adjectives.