WASHINGTON, D.C. — In today’s episode of House of Public Health, former CDC Director Susan Monarez sat down before the Senate HELP Committee and delivered a riveting monologue that would’ve brought down the house at the Kennedy Center—if the Kennedy in question hadn’t allegedly been the one who fired her.
Sen. Bill Cassidy, who was last seen trying to explain herd immunity with a PowerPoint slide featuring cartoon cows, opened the hearing with what experts are calling “the closest thing we have to a Republican apology.”
“If we confirmed you unanimously and called you an ‘incredible mother’ 29 days ago, then why are we all sitting here pretending we’re shocked you got fired?” Cassidy asked, in what political scientists are labeling the legislative equivalent of I think we may have made a whoopsie.
Monarez’s testimony was fiery:
- She refused to preemptively endorse Kennedy’s vaccine policies.
- She refused to fire career scientists “just because it was a fun Wednesday.”
- She refused to “go along with recommendations that didn’t align with science,” which experts agree is a bold and frankly un-American stance for a public health official in 2025.
Kennedy, meanwhile, denied everything, claiming that Monarez admitted she was “not trustworthy” — an unusual HR strategy but one that several CEOs are reportedly adding to their onboarding process for Q4.
“If your employee tells you they’re untrustworthy, would you let them stay?” Kennedy asked, a line that critics say sounds less like congressional testimony and more like the first question in a toxic relationship quiz.
Sen. Elizabeth Warren reportedly started Googling “how to swear someone back into their job live on C-SPAN.” Meanwhile, Sen. John Kennedy of Louisiana summed up the entire affair as “a multiple vehicle pileup,” which is both a metaphor and a pretty accurate description of U.S. health policy.
The hearing ended with both sides doubling down — Kennedy promising to “restore the CDC’s gold standard” by melting it down and recasting it into a completely new shape, and Monarez promising to keep her LinkedIn profile updated for the next administration.
Stay tuned next week, when the Senate votes on whether to subpoena the ghost of Jonas Salk to testify about how much science you really need before approving a vaccine.