CHICAGO — What began as a cold case search for a missing Arlington Heights couple from 1970 quickly turned into the discovery of nearly 100 sunken cars in the Chicago River, making it the first body of water in history to qualify for a Carfax report.
Authorities were stunned but not surprised. “Honestly, we thought we’d only find one Oldsmobile,” said a diver from Chaos Divers. “Instead, we found what looks like the entire parking lot of a 1978 Sears.”
Locals are now calling the Chicago River “Detroit’s Lost and Found,” with vintage sedans, mob-era Cadillacs, and at least one Dodge Caravan still containing an uneaten Portillo’s Italian beef.
City officials remain tight-lipped about whether the vehicles are connected to criminal cases, mob activity, or just Chicago drivers deciding traffic was too much and choosing the “direct-to-river” shortcut.
Meanwhile, environmentalists are concerned the fish population has begun applying for financing. “We caught a carp trying to trade in a rusted Buick Skylark for a Prius,” said one activist.
The discovery has also sparked entrepreneurial ideas:
- Enterprise Rent-A-Wreck (Underwater Division) is considering opening a branch near the riverbank.
- The Chicago Transit Authority has floated the idea of adding “submarine rideshare” as part of its 2030 master plan.
- And Mayor Brandon Johnson announced plans for a new annual event: “The Great River Auto Show,” where spectators can watch as divers lift out cars and yell, “Hey, that’s my uncle’s Cutlass!”
Experts say the mystery of Edward and Stephania Andrews remains unsolved, but Chicago has at least solved one riddle: where all the city’s missing hubcaps went.