ANN ARBOR, MI — A new study has revealed that the single greatest barrier to widespread EV adoption isn’t battery range, charging infrastructure, or sticker price. It’s the Rusty Treadmill and 17 Boxes of Christmas Decorations Blocking Every American Garage Since 1989™.
The Michigan-based firm Telemetry found that while most homes could technically handle a 240-volt outlet for EV charging, a full third of Americans cannot actually park in their garage because it is already fully occupied by paint cans, broken patio furniture, and a kayak that hasn’t touched water since Bush Sr. was in office.
“We’re not saying you need to hire an electrician,” said Telemetry analyst Sam Abuelsamid. “We’re saying maybe move the six-foot tower of empty Amazon boxes so your $60,000 electric car can fit indoors.”
The report warned that without “radical garage cleaning initiatives,” the U.S. may fail to hit 2035 EV targets. Federal lawmakers are already drafting the Clutter Reduction and EV Facilitation Act, which would provide $7,500 tax credits for homeowners who finally admit they are never going to re-tile the bathroom and throw away that bucket of grout.
Industry experts predict the first wave of EV charging stations will actually be funded by divorces, as couples argue over whether to keep the elliptical machine that “just needs new batteries” or make space for a $70,000 fast charger.
Meanwhile, General Motors confirmed that its next Cadillac Lyriq Sport model will come standard with a “Garage Excavation Package,” including two roll-off dumpsters, one pry bar, and a team of surly teenagers who specialize in sighing loudly while carrying boxes to the curb.
At press time, 42% of Americans said they’d happily support EV adoption — just as soon as they figure out where else to put their second refrigerator full of Busch Light.