PALO ALTO, CA — In a shocking announcement that has already sent car traditionalists screaming into their cup holders, Tesla confirmed Wednesday that its long-rumored “Stalk Removal Program” is not only continuing, but will soon evolve into what CEO Elon Musk calls “pure, unadulterated driving telepathy.”
“Buttons? Stalks? Physical gear selectors? These are relics of a bygone era,” Musk said during a livestream, speaking while perched on the hood of a Model 3 Highland and wearing a cape for some reason. “The future of driving is mental projection. When you want to turn left, you should just think left really hard. The car will know.”
According to Tesla, future updates will gradually phase out the last remaining stalk on the Model Y. Instead, drivers will be encouraged to simply make eye contact with nearby motorists to indicate their intentions — a system Musk described as “the most advanced vehicle-to-vehicle communication protocol ever created.”
The announcement has split the Tesla community:
- Model 3 owners (who already lost their stalks in 2023) praised the move, claiming their steering-wheel buttons have trained them to develop “thumb reflexes like Olympic gamers.”
- Model S/X owners shrugged, having already embraced touchscreen gear selection, reporting they now only panic “half the time” when trying to find Reverse.
- Model Y owners are reportedly clinging to their last surviving stalk “like it’s a lifeboat on the Titanic.” One owner said, “If they take my turn signal stalk away, I swear I’ll… still keep driving it because Supercharging is cheaper than gas, but I won’t be happy about it.”
Industry analysts predict that by 2027, Teslas may ship without steering wheels entirely, forcing drivers to steer via thought, prayer, or the car’s new $199/month “Guess Where I’m Going” subscription.