WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move to defend the Republic, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement has cracked down on its most pressing threat: 58-year-old grandmothers who wrote a bad check for $25 sometime during the Obama administration.
Donna Hughes-Brown, a grandmother of five who has lived in the U.S. for nearly half a century, was taken into custody at Chicago O’Hare — presumably because she represents the greatest flight risk since D.B. Cooper.
ICE officials praised the arrest, stating that “no one is above the law, especially people who bake cookies for their neighbors and run community blessing boxes.” The agency reassured the public that America is now $25 safer.
Her husband Jim, a Navy veteran and farmer, expressed shock at the situation. “This country let me serve on a destroyer for 20 years, but apparently Donna can’t be trusted near a Wal-Mart self-checkout,” he said while holding up a GoFundMe link that, at press time, had raised enough money to cover the check twice over, with $25 left for snacks.
Legal experts weighed in, noting that “moral turpitude” usually refers to shocking, depraved behavior — which makes sense, because writing a bad check is basically the same as running an underground fight club and punting puppies for sport.
Meanwhile, bipartisan lawmakers have come together across the aisle to stress that this case is a “priority,” mostly because no one wants to be the person who loses the tough-on-grandma vote in an election year.
Supporters are calling for Donna’s release, citing her spotless record except for that one $25 mishap — which she repaid — plus interest — plus probably bought a pie for the cashier out of guilt.
ICE officials declined to comment on whether they plan to expand the crackdown to other dangerous offenders, such as elderly people who forget to return library books or write “happy birthday” checks that bounce.