“We wanted to create a phone so thin, even your self-esteem could hide behind it,” says Tim Cook, confidently holding up what appears to be a laser pointer.
In a stunning keynote delivered on what can only be described as a shimmering vapor trail, Apple has revealed the iPhone Air: their thinnest, lightest, and most emotionally distant iPhone yet. Clocking in at just 2 atoms wide and weighing less than a whisper of regret, the iPhone Air marks a bold new chapter in Apple’s war on physical presence.
“It’s the perfect device for the Ozempic era,”said Apple’s Senior VP of Design, Clive Evaporé, while gently wafting the phone in the air like a single basil leaf. “We’ve removed the headphone jack, the SIM tray, the charging port, the battery, and ultimately, the phone itself. It’s the lightest phone on the market because it technically doesn’t exist.”
The iPhone Air comes in three memory sizes: 64GB, 128GB, and “Just Trust the Cloud.”
New Features Include:
- AirTouch™: Revolutionary touch interface that responds to the intention to swipe.
- WhispTone™ Ringtone: A notification tone only dogs and your ex can hear.
- AirDrop 2.0: Transfers files directly into the ether. “Where do they go? That’s a you problem,” said Cook.
- No Screen: Instead, users are encouraged to “imagine a screen,” leaning into the mental wellness trend of creative visualization.
The iPhone Air retails at $1,299, or $1,899 for the iPhone Air Pro Max Ultra Whisper Edition, which comes with a charging case shaped like a concept.
When asked about durability, Cook responded: “We recommend handling the iPhone Air with the same care you’d give a soap bubble wearing a silk hat in a hurricane.”
Consumer reactions are mixed. Some praise the minimalist design; others report accidentally inhaling their phones.
Still, Apple remains confident:
“This isn’t just a phone,” says Cook, his voice echoing into a cathedral of self-satisfaction.
“It’s an absence. And in that absence… is potential.”
Apple has confirmed the next model, iPhone Ascend, will be completely theoretical and available only in dream form via a $49.99/month mindfulness subscription.