HONG KONG — In a bold show of dominance over the attention span of the global population, ByteDance announced a new $330 billion valuation this week, proving once again that short videos of dogs in sunglasses can fuel an economy stronger than most nations’ GDP.
The company will buy back employee shares at $200.41 each, a number chosen not for financial strategy but because it “felt memeable enough to trend for 48 hours.” The move represents a 5.5% jump from six months ago, which analysts say is either “incredible growth” or “a rounding error compared to what Mark Zuckerberg spends on sunscreen.”
Despite making more revenue than Meta in Q2, ByteDance is still valued at just one-fifth of Zuckerberg’s kingdom, largely because the U.S. government insists TikTok is a secret plot to hypnotize teenagers into lip-syncing themselves into communism. Congress has ordered ByteDance to sell TikTok’s U.S. arm by January 2025, though President Trump has already delayed the deadline twice because, sources say, “he keeps forgetting his password for Truth Social and gets distracted watching TikTok himself.”
ByteDance says the buyback program will boost morale among U.S. staff worried about their uncertain future. “We want our employees to know their work is appreciated,” said a ByteDance spokesperson, “and also that we can easily afford this because every 12-year-old on Earth watches 14 hours of TikTok a day.”
Meanwhile, insiders confirm ByteDance is developing a backup app for U.S. users in case TikTok gets banned — a patriotic rebrand tentatively titled “FreedomScroll”, where every dance trend ends with the Pledge of Allegiance.
At press time, Meta’s executives were seen pacing nervously, wondering if Instagram Reels should start experimenting with “20-second clips instead of 15” to keep up.