Huntley Chat

BOSTON—In a groundbreaking paper that bravely proves what every Barnes & Noble employee learned during their first lunch break, researchers announced that the mysterious Richard Bachman is “statistically, spiritually, and coupon-clippily” indistinguishable from Stephen King. The team cited advanced techniques like the Juola protocol, n-gram voodoo, and counting how many times an author lovingly whispers […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move to defend the Republic, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement has cracked down on its most pressing threat: 58-year-old grandmothers who wrote a bad check for $25 sometime during the Obama administration. Donna Hughes-Brown, a grandmother of five who has lived in the U.S. for nearly half a century, […]

“We wanted to create a phone so thin, even your self-esteem could hide behind it,” says Tim Cook, confidently holding up what appears to be a laser pointer. In a stunning keynote delivered on what can only be described as a shimmering vapor trail, Apple has revealed the iPhone Air: their thinnest, lightest, and most […]

MENLO PARK, CA — In a move designed to help retail investors “understand the rules before they accidentally bankrupt themselves,” Robinhood today issued a friendly reminder that day trading only counts if you buy first, then sell. “Look, we’re not monsters,” said a Robinhood spokesperson while monitoring a chart that looked like a ski slope […]

In a move that has shaken the very foundations of nerdy LinkedIn posts everywhere, Brian Dean — the man who basically turned “write better content” into a religion — has stepped back from Backlinko and is now whispering SEO sweet-nothings into Semrush’s ear. Meanwhile, Glen Allsopp, the Batman of uncovering secret affiliate networks, has decided […]

In what critics are calling “Peloton but fascist”, director Francis Lawrence’s new film The Long Walk depicts a future where America combats laziness by forcing teens to literally walk until they die — and audiences are already raving that it’s “finally a movie that combines cardio with casual state-sanctioned murder.” The film, based on Stephen […]

CHICAGO — In a bold move that has left Bears fans equal parts hopeful and horrified, new head coach Ben Johnson promised Monday that Chicago’s 2025 offense will be built entirely on “math wizardry, fake pratfalls, and whatever I can diagram on a Waffle House napkin at 3 a.m.” The decision comes after Johnson’s infamous […]

PALO ALTO, CA — Tesla’s board of directors announced Thursday they had approved a proposed $1 trillion compensation package for CEO Elon Musk, officially making Monopoly money look like a conservative fiscal policy. The deal, which would give Musk 12% more of Tesla’s stock if the company hits an $8.5 trillion market cap, was described […]

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — In a move that has industry insiders muttering “of course they did” into their soy lattes, Tesla confirmed today that Porsche EV owners will soon be allowed to plug into its prized Supercharger network—provided they’re cool with paying a “non-Tesla convenience markup fee” rumored to range from “mildly insulting” to “are […]

CASTEL GANDOLFO, ITALY — In what experts are already calling “Eataly with more guilt,” Pope Leo XIV announced Friday that Chicago chef Art Smith and restaurateur Phil Stefani will open a new restaurant inside the Vatican’s 135-acre Borgo Laudato Si’ ecological training center. The culinary partnership, blessed personally by the Illinois Restaurant Association, will reportedly […]