CHICAGO—A new population breakdown has revealed the shocking discovery that Chicago’s nearly 2.7 million residents are not, in fact, concentrated exclusively inside the Gibson’s dining room or a single 3-block stretch of Michigan Avenue. Instead, officials learned the hard truth: people live all over the city, even in places aldermen only drive through with the windows up.
According to the report:
- Downtown / Central (~244k, 9%) – Residents here enjoy the privilege of living in the only neighborhoods politicians believe exist. Census workers confirmed these citizens count twice, since every press conference is staged within three blocks of them.
- North Side (~800k, 30%) – A thriving enclave where every apartment comes with a dog, a stroller, and a framed photo of the Cubs winning in 2016. Politicians campaign here primarily by jogging along the lakefront path until spotted by an Instagram influencer.
- West Side (~700k, 25%) – Home to working families, historic neighborhoods, and exactly zero campaign stops, except during mayoral primaries when candidates briefly remember that Austin exists.
- South Side (~900k, 33%) – Roughly one-third of the city lives here, but aldermen continue to assume it’s just Obama’s house surrounded by cornfields. “Wait, there are people in Englewood?” asked one stunned council member.
- Far NW & SW Edges (~500k, 18%) – Suburban-adjacent communities whose residents only enter downtown to complain about parking meters. Census officials confirmed these neighborhoods are where Chicagoans go to cosplay as Naperville residents.
“This is groundbreaking,” said one city spokesperson while updating the campaign map to acknowledge areas south of Roosevelt Road. “It turns out voters also exist west of Ashland Avenue. Who knew?”
Experts predict the findings may revolutionize politics in Chicago—though most insiders expect candidates will continue to act like only 244,000 downtown condo owners run the city.