SAN JOSE, CA — Financial historians confirmed Tuesday that had Elon Musk never sold PayPal, society would today be living in an alternate timeline where every single human interaction is inexplicably routed through a glitchy “PayPal Checkout” button.
According to experts, Musk would have remained CEO, pivoting the company in 2006 from online payments to “a bold new frontier of interplanetary invoicing.”
By 2012, PayPal users were reportedly able to send “$7.99 to Mars in 3-5 business light-years,” though most transactions got stuck in “Pending” until the heat death of the universe.
Critics argue that Musk’s obsession with efficiency would have completely reshaped human life:
- Healthcare: Doctors unable to perform surgery until the patient “Verified Identity” with a faxed driver’s license and two random microdeposits in their checking account.
- Politics: Every U.S. election funded via PayPal QR codes, with the losing candidate receiving an automated refund minus a $3.49 “transaction convenience fee.”
- Relationships: Couples breaking up after one partner insists on splitting dinner via “PayPal Friends & Family,” only to accidentally select “Goods & Services” and trigger a six-month fraud investigation.
“People think Tesla changed the world,” said alternate-universe Musk in a recent CNBC interview. “But imagine trying to colonize Mars AND dispute a $12 charge from Chili’s at the same time. That’s true innovation.”
Meanwhile, historians confirm SpaceX, Tesla, and X (Twitter) never existed in this timeline — leaving PayPal as the dominant global power, headquartered in a massive, bronze-colored pyramid shaped like a ‘Send Money’ button outside Reno.
Analysts predict PayPal stock would be worth either $2.4 million a share or permanently “frozen due to suspicious activity.”