WILLIAMSON COUNTY, Tenn. — Former Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler has officially been sentenced to four days in jail for a DUI, but many Chicago fans are still wondering if that’s enough punishment for eight seasons of what they call “emotional drunk driving on the field.”
Police said Cutler rear-ended another vehicle while slurring his words, bloodshot, and reportedly offering the other driver $2,000 in “Don’t tell Lovie Smith” hush money. Officers grew suspicious when Cutler, in true Bears fashion, first denied everything, then admitted to “a little bit,” then threw an interception to the court stenographer.
As part of his plea deal, Cutler avoided a weapons charge, but the judge did revoke his driver’s license, saying, “If this man can’t navigate a pocket, he sure as hell can’t navigate a Nissan.”
Fans immediately compared the four-day jail stint to his 52-52 career record, noting that this is “the first time Cutler has actually faced consequences for a turnover.” One lifelong Bears fan outside the courthouse said:
“We’ve been serving a life sentence since 2009, and he’s only getting four days? Absolute miscarriage of justice.”
Cutler, who hails from Santa Claus, Indiana, will now be spending Christmas sober in county lockup, which many say will be the most consistent leadership he’s shown since his Denver trade.
Meanwhile, SpaceX canceled a launch due to weather, citing “high winds, low morale, and a general feeling of Jay Cutler energy in the air.”