HUNTLEY, IL — Calling it a “strategic time-management decision,” area man Brian Hamilton reported Wednesday that he successfully avoided driving five minutes down the street by instead spending $87.66 on DoorDash for a single Chipotle burrito, a fountain drink, and a mysterious $19 “convenience fee” he swears wasn’t there yesterday.
“I just couldn’t justify the gas money,” Hamilton explained while tipping an additional $14.75 out of sheer guilt after realizing his driver biked across three zip codes in a thunderstorm. “Honestly, it’s just economics. Why waste 15 minutes round-trip when I can burn a third of my utility bill on one burrito delivered lukewarm to my porch?”
Experts say the move is part of a growing trend where Americans avoid minimal physical effort at costs that could cover “two months of groceries, a decent gym membership, or the adoption of a small horse.”
DoorDash, for its part, defended the charges: “Customers aren’t just paying for food, they’re paying for the thrill of watching $87 evaporate in real time, and the priceless joy of opening a bag missing the guac they paid $4.50 extra for.”
At press time, Hamilton was weighing whether to DoorDash Starbucks for $63.12 or “just have one of the kids bike there for free.”