CRYSTAL LAKE, IL — What started as a tranquil Tuesday evening yin yoga class at Edge Fitness quickly spiraled into an experimental performance piece on intrusive thoughts, misplaced anatomy, and the fragile dignity of holding in gas in a silent room.
At 7:30 p.m., the instructor began by polling the class on whether they wanted a slow, restorative yin session or the more energetic option. The group, apparently united in exhaustion and despair, voted for yin. For a brief, blissful moment, students’ minds were at ease—until the instructor casually suggested, “Maybe your mind is wandering, thinking about all kinds of things.” Witnesses confirm that instantly, every brain in the room was hijacked by unpaid bills, exes, and what they were going to eat after class.
Things escalated when the teacher decided yin yoga was less about hips and hamstrings, and more about a full five-minute guided self-facial massage. One student whispered afterward, “I came to stretch my body, not rub my jawline like I’m auditioning for a skincare commercial.”
The climax came during the final pose, a gentle knees-to-chest stretch—sometimes known as “wind-relieving pose.” As the room settled into silence, one participant in the back involuntarily honored the pose’s name with a loud, unmistakable fart. According to survivors, not a single eye opened, but the collective energy of the class shifted to please don’t laugh, please don’t laugh.
Afterward, attendees agreed the class was “super relaxing,” though one summed it up best: “Next time I’ll just stay home and rub my cheeks in the mirror for free.”