In a move that officially makes Monopoly money look conservative, OpenAI is reportedly in talks to sell employee shares at a $500 billion valuation—because apparently $300 billion just “wasn’t giving main-character energy.”
Sources say the deal will let employees cash out billions, rewarding them for their heroic work of making chatbots that can draft emails, write mediocre poems, and confidently give you the wrong year the French Revolution started.
Microsoft, which already owns enough of OpenAI to qualify for an HR badge, is said to be “thrilled” at the idea of throwing in even more billions. SoftBank, meanwhile, has pledged $22.5 billion despite not knowing if ChatGPT is an app, a website, or “that robot in the commercials with the sad piano music.”
The average OpenAI employee, age 24, is expected to retire immediately after the sale, with plans to open artisanal AI-free coffee shops, ironic typewriter co-ops, and at least 17 new blockchain startups.
Investors justify the valuation by pointing to OpenAI’s $12 billion revenue run rate and its 700 million weekly users—most of whom are high school students asking ChatGPT to “explain the mitochondria as if it were an Instagram influencer.”
Critics warn that a $500 billion valuation might be “a tad frothy.” However, OpenAI insiders dismiss concerns, noting that “frothy” is also how the company describes its cappuccino machine, which just received a $40 million funding round of its own.
When asked about the eventual IPO, executives reassured markets: “Don’t worry—we’ll go public once valuations are no longer based on reality but on pure vibes. So… any day now.”