CASTEL GANDOLFO, ITALY — In what experts are already calling “Eataly with more guilt,” Pope Leo XIV announced Friday that Chicago chef Art Smith and restaurateur Phil Stefani will open a new restaurant inside the Vatican’s 135-acre Borgo Laudato Si’ ecological training center. The culinary partnership, blessed personally by the Illinois Restaurant Association, will reportedly […]
CHICAGO — What began as a cold case search for a missing Arlington Heights couple from 1970 quickly turned into the discovery of nearly 100 sunken cars in the Chicago River, making it the first body of water in history to qualify for a Carfax report. Authorities were stunned but not surprised. “Honestly, we thought […]
In a stunning display of corporate transparency (and by “stunning” we mean “like being tased in the face”), Cloudflare has proudly announced that your Salesforce data took a week-long vacation in mid-August—complete with guided tours by an uninvited threat actor. The breach reportedly came courtesy of Salesloft Drift, a third-party support tool whose main feature […]
WASHINGTON, DC— Luke Farritor—formerly known as lukethecoder64, currently known as “Sir This Is A Federal Agency”—has reportedly completed the rare Silicon Prairie 100% Achievement Run: decode ancient scrolls, meet your Twitter heroes, join a government cost-cutting dojo named after a joke cryptocurrency, and accidentally wedge yourself into 23 lawsuits before your renter’s insurance kicks in. […]
INDIANAPOLIS—In what legal scholars are already calling “the world’s dumbest Spider-Man pointing meme,” Indiana bankruptcy attorney Mark S. Zuckerberg has filed a lawsuit against Meta Platforms for repeatedly banning him on Facebook for “impersonating Mark Zuckerberg.” Despite practicing law under his real name for nearly four decades, Zuckerberg claims Meta’s algorithms have flagged him at […]
SAN JOSE, CA — Financial historians confirmed Tuesday that had Elon Musk never sold PayPal, society would today be living in an alternate timeline where every single human interaction is inexplicably routed through a glitchy “PayPal Checkout” button. According to experts, Musk would have remained CEO, pivoting the company in 2006 from online payments to […]
In a world where skeptics still believe charging an EV requires camping gear and a 4-hour audiobook, one Tesla owner has shattered expectations—and possibly journalism itself—by simultaneously relieving his bladder and juicing up his car. Nate Nieri, 34, was en route to the Jersey Shore when biology struck. Expecting only urinals and vending machines, he […]
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — In a groundbreaking move that experts are calling “totally new except for every part of it,” Google has unveiled AI Overviews, a revolutionary technology that takes the world’s content, strips out the names of the people who made it, and re-presents it as though it emerged directly from the warm, glowing […]
CHICAGO—A new population breakdown has revealed the shocking discovery that Chicago’s nearly 2.7 million residents are not, in fact, concentrated exclusively inside the Gibson’s dining room or a single 3-block stretch of Michigan Avenue. Instead, officials learned the hard truth: people live all over the city, even in places aldermen only drive through with the […]
CHICAGO—After wandering away from Millennium Park in search of “authentic deep-dish,” 27-year-old tourist Amanda Miller was stunned to discover that Chicago’s 2.7 million residents are not, in fact, all clustered around the Bean waiting to take selfies. Her journey quickly turned into an accidental city-wide anthropology expedition: After six hours, three train lines, two confused […]
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