LOS ANGELES—The world collectively screamed Monday as Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce announced their engagement, confirming what many feared: there is officially no escape from their relationship, not even in death. Swift captioned the post “Your English teacher and your gym teacher are getting married,” which fans found adorable but critics described as “proof America […]
ANN ARBOR, MI — A new study has revealed that the single greatest barrier to widespread EV adoption isn’t battery range, charging infrastructure, or sticker price. It’s the Rusty Treadmill and 17 Boxes of Christmas Decorations Blocking Every American Garage Since 1989™. The Michigan-based firm Telemetry found that while most homes could technically handle a […]
WILLIAMSON COUNTY, Tenn. — Former Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler has officially been sentenced to four days in jail for a DUI, but many Chicago fans are still wondering if that’s enough punishment for eight seasons of what they call “emotional drunk driving on the field.” Police said Cutler rear-ended another vehicle while slurring his […]
CHICAGO — In a clash that historians are already calling “The Real Housewives of Federalism,” President Donald Trump and Illinois Gov. JB Pritzker have entered an epic screaming match over whether khaki-clad troops should spend their summer vacations patrolling the Magnificent Mile. Trump, who thrives only when given a villain to shadowbox, declared Chicago a […]
NEW YORK — Less than ten years after their shotgun wedding, Keurig and Dr Pepper have announced they’re officially splitting up, citing “irreconcilable differences over who gets custody of Snapple.” The breakup comes just as Keurig plunked down $18 billion to buy Peet’s Coffee, apparently deciding it wanted to “see other coffee.” Immediately afterward, Keurig […]
CRYSTAL LAKE, IL — What started as a tranquil Tuesday evening yin yoga class at Edge Fitness quickly spiraled into an experimental performance piece on intrusive thoughts, misplaced anatomy, and the fragile dignity of holding in gas in a silent room. At 7:30 p.m., the instructor began by polling the class on whether they wanted […]
ELGIN, IL — In a move that biblical scholars are calling “deeply on-brand,” Psalm 77 has been formally adopted as the city charter of Elgin, Illinois. Local officials say the Psalm perfectly captures the spirit of Elgin: crying out in anguish, refusing comfort, staring at the ceiling at 2 a.m., and wondering if God has […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Declaring Chicago “a total disaster, the worst disaster, maybe ever, except for Rosie O’Donnell’s Broadway career,” President Donald Trump signed an executive order to send National Guard troops to the Windy City, promising residents that “the military will finally clean up the streets, unlike the sanitation department, which has done a frankly […]
In a shocking move destined to make GoDaddy reps cry into their polo shirts, a Cloudflare-backed nonprofit just announced they’re giving away domain names for free. Yes, free. As in: “the same price as your cousin’s mixtape” free. The Revolution Nobody Asked For The group, backed by GitHub, Cloudflare, and the raw unfiltered energy of […]
By: Someone Who Still Doesn’t Know Where the Line Is Texarkana, Arkansas – Have you ever tried to explain to a dog that it has to pick a side? Like, “Okay, you can either sit in the yard with the cool shade, or chase the frisbee on the other side of the fence where there’s […]
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