BOSTON—In a groundbreaking paper that bravely proves what every Barnes & Noble employee learned during their first lunch break, researchers announced that the mysterious Richard Bachman is “statistically, spiritually, and coupon-clippily” indistinguishable from Stephen King. The team cited advanced techniques like the Juola protocol, n-gram voodoo, and counting how many times an author lovingly whispers “Ford Pinto” into your soul.
The finding arrives just in time for the new movie adaptation of The Long Walk—yes, the dystopian death-march where cardio meets autocracy—stomping into theaters this Friday, September 12, 2025. Coincidentally, there’s a shiny “Soon to Be a Major Motion Picture” edition of the book with a cover that reads, “By Stephen King (writing as That Other Guy Who Is Definitely Not Stephen King).”
“Look, we fed both authors into a computer and it spit out a single result: ‘KING!!’—like the printer itself got jump-scared,” said one scholar, still brushing off stray brand names that burst from the dataset like popcorn: Pepsi, Merv Griffin, Rolling Stones, Shell—a confetti cannon of American mall culture. Reviewers in the ’80s called it “a compulsion to list brand names.” Today we call it “brave, immersive world-building for people who know what aisle duct tape is on.”
Publishers remain neutral. “Bachman? King? We support all writers with valid Social Security numbers,” said a spokesperson, slipping on sunglasses and wheeling out a pallet of movie-tie-ins like it’s Costco Black Friday. (Again, totally coincidental with the theatrical release this week.)
Film folks are leaning in. The movie, directed by Francis Lawrence (your cardio instructor from The Hunger Games), stars Cooper Hoffman as Ray Garraty and Mark Hamill as The Major, with critics already calling it “bleak, beautiful, and somehow more steps than your smartwatch can count.” One described it as “the grimmest mainstream movie in some time” which, in King-verse units, means “three clowns and a haunted municipal sewer.”
Meanwhile, stylometrists report that when they compared Bachman to King, the algorithm achieved 100% accuracy after encountering a single italicized word and an unwholesome number of product placements for breakfast cereal. “It’s not plagiarism if you’re copying yourself,” the computer clarified, before asking if it could take a quick walk around the block and not be shot for dropping below 3 mph. (No promises.)
In honor of the release, bookstores nationwide will enforce a polite fiction: customers who ask for The Long Walk by Richard Bachman will be gently redirected to a towering display that reads STEPHEN KING’S THE LONG WALK in letters visible from low Earth orbit. A small footnote on the back whispers, “Richard who?” Again, pure coincidence.
Frequently Asked Questions (Asked Frequently by People Who Already Know the Answer)
- Is Bachman… King?
According to science: yes. According to marketing: “Who’s asking, and do you need a receipt?” - What’s The Long Walk about?
Fifty boys, one road, zero snack breaks. It’s the only 108-minute film where you’ll burn 400 calories from clenching alone. (Opens Sept 12, 2025.) - Why so many brand names?
Because horror hits harder when the monster lurks between endcaps at the local supermarket. Also because the human condition is 60% water, 40% proper nouns. - How should I prepare?
Hydrate, stretch your empathy, and practice saying “It’s actually a Bach—” before being drowned out by the Dolby Atmos trailer.
In conclusion, the academy has spoken: Richard Bachman’s voice sounds exactly like Stephen King shouting from inside a Halloween mask purchased at a nationally recognized retailer. And this week, theaters everywhere will prove it’s a scream you can hear from the parking lot.