LOS ANGELES—The world collectively screamed Monday as Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce announced their engagement, confirming what many feared: there is officially no escape from their relationship, not even in death.
Swift captioned the post “Your English teacher and your gym teacher are getting married,” which fans found adorable but critics described as “proof America has Stockholm Syndrome.”
The ring, designed with input from Vogue and apparently the ghost of Liberace, is a diamond so large it could fund the GDP of a small nation if Swift ever pawned it during an album cycle. Sources at NASA confirmed it has already blinded two pilots and caused an eclipse over Missouri.
While Swift stans cried tears of joy, NFL fans groaned knowing broadcasts will now feature at least 47 cutaway shots of Swift per game, along with a four-part Netflix docuseries about how a man with CTE learned to love again.
Meanwhile, ordinary Americans expressed concern that the engagement would completely overshadow pressing national issues like inflation, climate collapse, and the fact that nobody knows what’s happening with the goddamn subway anymore. “I just wanted to watch football, not a reboot of The Notebook sponsored by State Farm,” one exhausted man in a Patrick Mahomes jersey whispered before walking into traffic.
Industry analysts predict Swift will perform her vows as a surprise drop on Spotify, likely shattering streaming records and the fragile mental health of anyone who thought they were finally free from this narrative.
At press time, Pope Francis was spotted on Instagram Live begging Swifties to stop DM’ing him about whether he’ll officiate the ceremony.