PALO ALTO, CA — Tesla’s board of directors announced Thursday they had approved a proposed $1 trillion compensation package for CEO Elon Musk, officially making Monopoly money look like a conservative fiscal policy.
The deal, which would give Musk 12% more of Tesla’s stock if the company hits an $8.5 trillion market cap, was described by board chair Robyn Denholm as “essential to retain Elon’s singular vision,” adding, “If we don’t pay him a trillion, he might get bored and go colonize Neptune instead.”
Financial analysts expressed concern that the unprecedented package could destabilize global markets. “We don’t actually have a number for this,” said Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell, frantically scribbling zeroes onto a chalkboard. “We went straight from billion to trillion—there’s no real vocabulary past this point. We’re just free-styling.”
Critics noted that Musk already received a $29 billion “good faith” bonus last month, as well as a $50 billion plan that was overturned by a Delaware court. When asked why Musk needs another historic payday, Tesla responded: “Because otherwise he might tweet something.”
Musk, meanwhile, appeared unfazed. “A trillion? Neat,” he said while absentmindedly attempting to purchase Greenland on eBay. “But honestly, if we don’t hit 20 million cars and 1 million robotaxis, I’ll just spin up DogeMarsCoin and call it even.”
Tesla shares immediately rose 3.6% on the news, as investors concluded that if humanity is going to collapse into financial absurdity, they might as well enjoy the ride in a self-driving car that may or may not brake for stop signs.