The Subtle Nuances of Favoritism

Just because a parent insists they don’t have a favorite child doesn’t mean the people around them, especially their children, can’t sense otherwise.

Take, for example, an episode of The Crown, where Prince Philip asks Queen Elizabeth II if she knows which of their children is her favorite. She denies favoring any of them in this dramatized account of the British royal family, yet Philip counters that the family is well aware of her preferences.

According to a study published by the American Psychological Association, factors like birth order, personality, and gender can all influence how parents interact with their children and whether they unconsciously favor one over another. This meta-analysis, which examined data from 30 studies across 14 databases involving more than 19,000 individuals, delved into how parents allocate resources, exhibit control, and engage positively or negatively with their children.

So, who tends to be the favorite? The study found that daughters, along with children who are more conscientious and agreeable, are often treated more favorably by their parents.

“The next time you suspect your sibling might be the golden child, remember it’s likely about more than just birth order,” said Dr. Alexander Jensen, lead author and associate professor at Brigham Young University. “It could be tied to their personality, temperament, or how easy they are to get along with.”

The Impact of Favoritism

Favoritism isn’t static—it can shift based on circumstances, according to Dr. Ellen Weber Libby, a retired clinical psychologist and author of The Favorite Child: How a Favorite Impacts Every Family Member for Life. For instance, you might favor a child who reminds you of a cherished relative or one who provides emotional support during a challenging time.

While it’s possible to love all your children equally, that doesn’t make parents immune to preferring one child’s company or treating them differently. And these differences have tangible effects.

Children who are treated more favorably often enjoy better mental health, higher grades, better emotional regulation, and healthier relationships. However, being the favorite isn’t always advantageous, Weber Libby noted. Favored children might become overindulged, missing out on learning critical life skills. They could also feel pressured to conform to expectations, which might stifle their sense of freedom.

On the flip side, children who feel less favored are at greater risk of developing issues such as poorer mental health, substance abuse, and strained family relationships. They may also struggle more in school and at home, Jensen added.

How to Keep Things Balanced

Recognizing and addressing favoritism is key to maintaining a healthy family dynamic. Parents need to be honest with themselves about any unequal treatment and work to ensure those differences are fair and justifiable.

“Every child is unique and may require different parenting approaches,” Jensen said. “The challenge is to balance those differences in ways that feel equitable to each child.”

If children understand the reasons behind different treatment, they’re less likely to feel hurt by it. For instance, Jensen shared a personal anecdote about his eldest daughter, who once noticed her younger sister had more dresses. He explained that her sister was receiving hand-me-downs, which clarified the situation. Satisfied, his daughter happily returned to play.

Conversations like this can make a big difference. Parents should also remain open to feedback from their partners, family members, or even their children, who might point out perceived disparities in treatment. Listening without defensiveness and addressing concerns thoughtfully can help foster trust and fairness within the family.

“If your kids express that something feels unfair, don’t dismiss their feelings,” Jensen advised. “Use it as an opportunity to have a meaningful discussion and make adjustments if necessary.”

Weber Libby emphasized the importance of regular check-ins with children: “They might not say it directly, but they will let you know if they feel a sibling is being treated differently.” Keeping an open mind and a willingness to adapt are vital steps toward fostering a harmonious and supportive family environment.

Favoritism, even if unintended, often arises from subtle and nuanced factors that go unnoticed by parents but are glaringly apparent to children and others within the family. It might not always be about outright favoritism but could manifest in small ways—spending more time with one child, offering more leniency in discipline, or providing extra support to a child who seems to need it. These variations, though sometimes necessary and context-dependent, can still be perceived as unequal treatment, leaving long-lasting impressions on all children involved.

According to Dr. Ellen Weber Libby, favoritism can stem from deep-seated emotional connections or unconscious biases. For instance, a child who excels academically or socially might receive more attention and praise, which can inadvertently make their siblings feel overlooked. Similarly, a child who is emotionally attuned to their parents’ needs or aligns with their interests and values might naturally become the one parents gravitate toward.

The Ripple Effects of Favoritism on Family Dynamics

The study by the American Psychological Association sheds light on how favoritism can influence family dynamics and individual development. Children who feel less favored may internalize a sense of inferiority or struggle with self-esteem issues, believing they are less deserving of love and attention. Over time, this can manifest in external behaviors, such as acting out, underachieving, or withdrawing from family interactions.

Favored children, on the other hand, may face their own unique challenges. They might feel the pressure to maintain their “golden child” status, striving to meet their parents’ expectations and often sacrificing their own desires or individuality in the process. The constant validation they receive might also make it difficult for them to cope with failure or criticism later in life.

Siblings often pick up on these dynamics, which can create tensions or rivalries that persist into adulthood. Dr. Jensen highlighted that favoritism has the potential to fracture sibling relationships, as children may view each other as competitors for their parents’ attention and approval.

Breaking the Cycle: Steps Toward Fair Parenting

The good news is that favoritism, like any behavioral pattern, can be addressed and improved with self-awareness and effort. Dr. Jensen recommends that parents take a proactive approach by reflecting on their parenting styles and being mindful of how their actions might be perceived by each child. Open communication is key: explaining the reasoning behind certain decisions or treatments can go a long way in helping children understand and accept differences.

Here are some practical strategies to mitigate favoritism and promote a healthier family environment:

Acknowledge Individuality
Recognize that each child is unique, with their own strengths, challenges, and needs. Tailor your parenting approach to suit these differences while ensuring all children feel equally valued.
Encourage Inclusivity
Spend quality one-on-one time with each child to strengthen your bond with them individually. This can help counteract feelings of favoritism and show that each child is special in their own way.
Maintain Consistency in Rules and Expectations
While flexibility is important, try to keep household rules and consequences consistent. Children are quick to notice discrepancies in how discipline or rewards are distributed.
Seek Feedback Regularly
Periodically check in with your children to gauge their feelings about fairness and treatment. These conversations can help you identify and address concerns before they become deeply ingrained.
Model Conflict Resolution
If sibling tensions arise due to perceived favoritism, facilitate open and respectful communication among your children. Help them articulate their feelings and work toward mutual understanding.
Be Open to Outside Perspectives
Sometimes, it can be hard to see favoritism from within. A partner, trusted friend, or even a family counselor can provide valuable insights into how your actions may be impacting your children.

The Bigger Picture

Ultimately, favoritism isn’t about loving one child more than another—it’s about navigating the complexities of individual needs, personalities, and circumstances. By striving for fairness and openness, parents can create a supportive environment where each child feels loved and valued for who they are.

Dr. Jensen emphasized that parents should view the study’s findings as a tool for reflection and growth. “No parent is perfect,” he said. “What matters most is the willingness to learn, adapt, and show your children that your love is unconditional, even if your parenting approaches might differ.”

Favoritism is a sensitive topic, but addressing it thoughtfully can lead to stronger family bonds, better sibling relationships, and more confident, well-adjusted children. While no family is immune to its challenges, taking intentional steps toward fairness and communication can make all the difference.

The Role of Self-Awareness in Parenting

Self-awareness is a cornerstone in addressing favoritism effectively. Often, favoritism operates on a subconscious level, driven by unexamined preferences, emotional connections, or even unresolved personal experiences. For example, a parent might identify more closely with a child whose personality mirrors their own or whose experiences remind them of their younger self. This unconscious bias can lead to unintended disparities in how affection, discipline, or support is distributed.

To combat this, parents can cultivate mindfulness in their interactions with their children. This means regularly pausing to reflect on questions like:

Am I spending equitable time with each child?
Quality time doesn’t have to be identical but should feel significant to each child. One might value long conversations, while another may prefer shared activities.
Am I showing appreciation for each child’s unique qualities?
Celebrating achievements and recognizing strengths—whether academic, social, or creative—can help every child feel seen and valued.
Am I consistent in applying rules and consequences?
Fairness in discipline is particularly important, as children are quick to notice if one sibling is “getting away with more.”

How to Handle Criticism and Perception

Even the most well-intentioned parents may face accusations of favoritism from their children at some point. It’s essential to handle such situations with grace and empathy rather than defensiveness. When a child voices concerns, consider the following approach:

Validate Their Feelings
Acknowledge their emotions without dismissing or minimizing them. For instance, you might say, “I can see why you feel that way. Let’s talk about it.”
Provide Context
If there’s a valid reason for differences in treatment, explain it clearly. For example, if an older child has more privileges, frame it as a natural result of maturity and responsibility rather than favoritism.
Seek Their Input
Ask your child how they’d like to see things change. This not only empowers them but also gives you actionable insights into their perspective.
Follow Through
Demonstrating that you’re actively working to address their concerns can rebuild trust and confidence.

Navigating Favoritism in Blended Families and Complex Dynamics

The challenges of favoritism are often amplified in blended families or households with unique dynamics, such as step-siblings or large age gaps. In these scenarios, parents may inadvertently favor biological children, younger children, or those who require more attention due to specific needs.

To mitigate these challenges, consider these additional strategies:

Unified Parenting Approaches
In blended families, it’s critical for all parental figures to present a united front. Consistency in expectations and treatment ensures fairness across the board.
Neutral Family Activities
Shared experiences that include all children—like family game nights, vacations, or regular meals—can foster unity and help balance individual attention.
Acknowledging Diverse Needs
Be transparent about the unique circumstances of each child. For example, if a child with a learning disability receives extra tutoring, explain how this helps them thrive, rather than positioning it as “extra attention.”

The Lifelong Impacts of Fairness

The way favoritism—or its absence—is handled during childhood leaves a lasting imprint on family relationships and individual development. Favoritism that goes unchecked can breed resentment, create emotional distance, and foster sibling rivalries that may persist into adulthood. On the other hand, families that prioritize fairness and open communication often emerge with stronger bonds and mutual respect.

Children who grow up feeling equally loved and valued are more likely to:

Develop healthy self-esteem
Build secure relationships with others
Manage conflicts constructively
Maintain close ties with their siblings and parents

Meanwhile, parents benefit from the satisfaction of knowing they’ve created a nurturing and equitable environment that respects each child’s individuality while fostering family cohesion.

The Power of Intention

No parent is perfect, and no family dynamic is without challenges. What truly matters is the intention to learn and grow. By acknowledging the complexities of favoritism and actively working to address them, parents can transform potential sources of tension into opportunities for connection and understanding.

As Dr. Jensen put it: “Parenting is as much about learning as it is about teaching. The effort to understand and improve our relationships with our children sends a powerful message—that they are deeply loved and valued, not in comparison to one another, but simply for who they are.”

Favoritism is a delicate subject, but with mindfulness, honesty, and empathy, families can navigate it together, ensuring that every child feels cherished and supported in their unique journey through life.

Building Resilience in Children Through Fair Parenting

Addressing favoritism isn’t just about preventing hurt feelings; it’s about fostering resilience, emotional intelligence, and a sense of security in all children. When children feel equally valued, they are more likely to approach challenges with confidence and navigate relationships with empathy and understanding. Here’s how parents can actively reinforce these qualities:

1. Teach Emotional Awareness and Expression

Parents can help children articulate their feelings by modeling emotional openness and creating a safe space for expression. If a child feels they are being treated unfairly, encourage them to share their perspective without fear of judgment. This helps them learn that their feelings are valid and worth exploring.

Example: If a child says, “You always take her side,” respond with, “I hear you. Can you tell me more about why you feel that way?”

2. Encourage Empathy Among Siblings

By teaching siblings to understand and appreciate each other’s perspectives, parents can reduce rivalry and build stronger sibling relationships. For instance, a parent might point out how a younger sibling admires their older sibling’s achievements or explain how an older sibling’s responsibilities help the family as a whole.

Example: “Your brother had to stay late at soccer practice today because he’s team captain. Maybe you can help him relax by picking tonight’s movie.”

3. Celebrate Unique Strengths

Every child has a unique set of talents, interests, and characteristics. Parents should make an effort to recognize and celebrate these individual traits without comparison. Highlighting what makes each child special reinforces their self-worth and mitigates feelings of competition.

Example: “I love how creative you are with your art projects, just like I love how your sister has such a knack for storytelling.”

When Favoritism Is Rooted in Circumstances

Sometimes, favoritism stems not from parental bias but from circumstances beyond anyone’s control. For instance:

Health Issues: A child with chronic health challenges may require more time and attention, leaving siblings feeling neglected.
Academic or Behavioral Challenges: A child struggling in school or facing disciplinary issues might dominate a parent’s focus, leading others to feel overlooked.
Family Transitions: Divorce, remarriage, or the arrival of a new baby can create shifts in family dynamics that unintentionally foster favoritism.

In these situations, communication is crucial. Parents should be transparent about why certain children require more attention and make deliberate efforts to reassure siblings of their importance.

Actionable Steps:

Involve Siblings in Care: If a child has special needs, involve their siblings in caregiving tasks in age-appropriate ways. This can foster a sense of teamwork and mutual support.
Carve Out Individual Time: Ensure that each child has dedicated moments with their parents, even if other siblings require more attention overall.
Acknowledge the Extra Effort: Let siblings know you see and appreciate their patience and understanding during challenging times.

Long-Term Benefits of Addressing Favoritism

Families that actively address and manage favoritism create an environment where children feel secure and valued. This has significant long-term benefits, including:

1. Stronger Sibling Bonds

Siblings who grow up in equitable environments are more likely to maintain close relationships into adulthood. They see each other as allies rather than rivals, which can provide a lifelong source of support and connection.

2. Healthier Parent-Child Relationships

When parents work to treat their children fairly, they build trust and mutual respect. This lays the foundation for strong relationships that persist as children grow into independent adults.

3. Improved Emotional Intelligence

Children who witness fairness and empathy in their family learn to practice these traits in their own relationships. They are better equipped to navigate complex emotions and maintain healthy interpersonal connections.

4. Resilience and Self-Worth

Children who feel equally loved and valued develop a strong sense of self-worth. This resilience helps them face life’s challenges with confidence and adaptability.

Moving Forward with Awareness and Intention

Addressing favoritism is not about achieving perfection but about striving for awareness, balance, and growth. By reflecting on their parenting practices, communicating openly, and celebrating each child’s individuality, parents can create a nurturing environment where every family member thrives.

As Dr. Ellen Weber Libby reminds us, “You don’t have to be a perfect parent, but you do need to be a present parent.” Children understand when their parents are trying their best, and even small efforts to ensure fairness can have a profound and lasting impact.

Favoritism might be an unavoidable topic in family life, but it doesn’t have to define it. With intentionality, empathy, and open dialogue, families can navigate these challenges, creating bonds that withstand the test of time.

FAQ: Understanding and Addressing Favoritism in Parenting

Here’s a list of frequently asked questions to help parents better understand and address favoritism:

1. What is favoritism in parenting?

Favoritism occurs when a parent treats one child more favorably than another. This can manifest in various ways, such as giving more attention, praise, privileges, or leniency to one child. While it’s often unintentional, children and others in the family can quickly notice these differences.

2. Is it normal for parents to have a favorite child?

Yes, it’s natural for parents to feel closer to one child at certain times, depending on personality compatibility, shared interests, or circumstances. However, it’s important for parents to remain aware of these feelings and strive to treat all children fairly to avoid long-term negative effects.

3. How do I know if I’m showing favoritism?

Signs of favoritism might include:

Spending significantly more time with one child.
Giving one child more leniency in discipline or rules.
Complimenting one child more frequently.
Deferring to one child’s preferences over others.
Providing more resources or opportunities to one child.

Reflecting on your behavior and seeking feedback from your partner, family, or even your children can help you identify potential favoritism.

4. Why does favoritism happen?

Favoritism can stem from various factors, including:

Temperament: A parent might find it easier to connect with a child whose personality aligns with theirs.
Circumstances: A child with health or behavioral challenges may require more attention.
Birth order: Parents often unconsciously favor the eldest or youngest child due to roles or expectations tied to their position in the family.
Personal Biases: Gender or interests that align more closely with the parent’s preferences may play a role.

5. What are the effects of favoritism on children?

Favoritism can have lasting impacts on both favored and non-favored children:

Favored Children: May feel pressure to maintain their “special” status, struggle with entitlement, or lack important life skills.
Non-Favored Children: Are at higher risk for low self-esteem, mental health issues, substance abuse, and strained family relationships.

Sibling relationships can also suffer, as favoritism can foster rivalry and resentment.

6. How do I address favoritism if it’s already happening?

Here are steps to address favoritism:

Acknowledge It: Recognize and accept that favoritism may exist.
Communicate: Have honest conversations with your children to understand their feelings.
Equalize Attention: Spend quality time with each child individually.
Explain Differences: Clarify reasons for any unequal treatment (e.g., a younger sibling getting more help with schoolwork).
Make Adjustments: Ensure rules, discipline, and rewards are consistent and fair.

7. How can I prevent favoritism in parenting?

Practice Self-Awareness: Regularly evaluate your behavior and interactions with each child.
Celebrate Individuality: Recognize and support each child’s unique strengths and needs.
Be Consistent: Apply rules, consequences, and rewards evenly across all children.
Spend Individual Time: Dedicate time to each child based on their interests and preferences.
Involve Your Partner: Work together to balance attention and ensure fairness.

8. Can favoritism change over time?

Yes, favoritism is often situational and can shift based on changes in the family dynamic. For example, a parent might favor a child who provides emotional support during a tough time or one who achieves significant milestones.

9. How do I handle accusations of favoritism from my children?

Listen Without Defensiveness: Acknowledge their feelings and validate their perspective.
Explain Your Actions: Provide context for any differences in treatment.
Make Amends: Adjust behaviors to address their concerns and show a commitment to fairness.

10. What should I do if I suspect favoritism from another parent or caregiver?

Approach with Sensitivity: Discuss your observations without placing blame.
Collaborate: Work together to ensure balanced treatment of all children.
Monitor Behavior: Keep track of changes and continue to communicate openly about fairness.

11. How do I explain unavoidable favoritism (e.g., a child with special needs)?

Be Honest: Share why certain circumstances require different attention.
Reassure Love: Emphasize that your love is equal, even if your time or focus isn’t always evenly distributed.
Involve Siblings: Encourage understanding and teamwork among siblings to foster unity rather than resentment.

12. Is favoritism ever beneficial?

While favoritism itself is not beneficial, short-term attention to a child in need (e.g., during a crisis) can be necessary and justified. However, it’s essential to balance this attention over time to avoid feelings of neglect among other children.

13. Can favoritism be repaired in adulthood?

Yes, family dynamics can improve even after favoritism has caused strain. Open communication, family therapy, and intentional efforts to mend relationships can help rebuild trust and understanding among siblings and parents.

14. What if I can’t see any favoritism but my children feel it exists?

Ask for Specific Examples: Request details about moments when they felt favoritism occurred.
Reflect on Patterns: Consider whether unintentional biases or habits might contribute to their perception.
Act on Feedback: Make conscious changes to address their concerns.

Favoritism is a sensitive issue, but with mindfulness, open dialogue, and intentional action, parents can create a more equitable environment that fosters stronger bonds and emotional well-being for all children.