CHICAGO — In a clash that historians are already calling “The Real Housewives of Federalism,” President Donald Trump and Illinois Gov. JB Pritzker have entered an epic screaming match over whether khaki-clad troops should spend their summer vacations patrolling the Magnificent Mile.
Trump, who thrives only when given a villain to shadowbox, declared Chicago a “killing field” while standing in front of a Cheesecake Factory menu. He then assured the public, “I’m not a dictator. But if I were a dictator, I’d definitely have cooler uniforms for my troops. Maybe gold buttons. Maybe sequins. People would love it. Very popular.”
Pritzker, meanwhile, rejected the deployment by literally shouting, “Do not come to Chicago!” from a water taxi circling Trump Tower, where bystanders assumed he was just heckling the overpriced condos.
Political analysts say the feud has less to do with crime and more to do with 2028 campaign prep: Trump wants to audition as America’s first rhinestone generalissimo, while Pritzker wants to prove he can out-glare Gavin Newsom in a future debate without cracking a single smile.
Legal scholars warn that the situation could spiral into a constitutional crisis, or at minimum, a very awkward Real Housewives-style reunion special where Trump yells “You’re soft on crime!” while Pritzker throws a deep-dish pizza across the room.
In the meantime, Chicago residents remain divided. Some welcome the Guard if it means finally clearing out the long lines at Portillo’s. Others worry the soldiers will accidentally end up guarding the Bean.
When asked for clarification on his authority, Trump mused: “It’s like men in women’s sports. Everyone’s talking about it. Everyone. I call it a 97/3 issue. The people want me in Chicago. The people love me in Chicago. Except the people in Chicago.”
At press time, both sides were spotted Googling “Can you secede from a city?” and “Does the Illinois National Guard accept Grubhub orders?”