In a move that historians are already calling “peak 2025 energy,” former President Donald Trump revoked Kamala Harris’ Secret Service protection Thursday, replacing it with what sources describe as “the goodwill of Los Angeles traffic cops and one very nervous Ring doorbell.”
According to a memo titled “This Is Totally Normal, Believe Me”, Trump authorized the cancellation of Harris’ extended protection, writing that “former vice presidents don’t need bodyguards, they need better Yelp reviews.”
Harris, set to embark on a multi-city book tour for her memoir 107 Days, reportedly received the news while choosing between two pen colors for her autograph line. “I’ll miss the guys with earpieces,” she said. “But now Doug just has to stand closer to the door with his arms crossed. It’s called delegation.”
Political observers note that the decision saves millions in federal funds but dramatically increases Harris’ odds of being recognized in a Costco food court. “One minute you’re protected from international assassination plots,” said a senior aide, “the next you’re Googling whether to get the deluxe ADT package or the one with fewer sensors.”
California Governor Gavin Newsom denounced the move as “reckless, vindictive, and incredibly on-brand,” before quietly checking if Harris could be bundled into the state’s wildfire protection budget.
Meanwhile, Trump defended his order at a press conference held outside a Bed Bath & Beyond liquidation sale. “Kamala doesn’t need Secret Service,” he explained. “She needs a Ring camera, maybe a German Shepherd, and frankly, she should just stop going outside. That’s what I do.”
Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass confirmed the LAPD would provide backup. “We can’t guarantee the same level of surveillance,” she admitted, “but we do have helicopters, traffic tickets, and, if necessary, a really aggressive parking enforcement team.”
As for Harris, her staff is reportedly considering hiring private security through TaskRabbit. The ad, posted this morning, reads: “Former VP seeks protection. Must bring own sunglasses. Ability to tackle hecklers at book signings a plus.”