WASHINGTON, D.C. — Declaring Chicago “a total disaster, the worst disaster, maybe ever, except for Rosie O’Donnell’s Broadway career,” President Donald Trump signed an executive order to send National Guard troops to the Windy City, promising residents that “the military will finally clean up the streets, unlike the sanitation department, which has done a frankly horrible job.”
Trump told reporters that “beautiful African American ladies, the best ladies, wearing red hats, they’re begging me to come fix Chicago. Begging. They say, ‘Please Mr. Trump, come fix the shootings, the potholes, the Cubs.’ And I will do it. I’ll fix it all. The Cubs will be so fixed.”
Mayor Brandon Johnson, however, rejected the idea, insisting that “the people of Chicago don’t want tanks rolling down Michigan Avenue unless they’re part of a St. Patrick’s Day parade.”
Meanwhile, Governor JB Pritzker fired back with a post titled Things People Are Actually Begging For: “Affordable groceries, Medicaid funding, and the release of Jeffrey Epstein’s flight logs.” At no point, he clarified, did anyone request “an authoritarian photo-op with Humvees parked outside Lou Malnati’s.”
Sources say the Pentagon has been planning the deployment for weeks, reportedly training National Guard units on “deep dish infiltration” and “how to avoid getting lost on the Dan Ryan.”
Despite crime rates dropping by nearly 40% this year, Trump dismissed the numbers, claiming, “The only statistics that matter are the ones I make up. And those show Chicago is losing, big league. With me, they’ll be winning, winning so much they’ll get tired of winning and ask for crime back.”
Residents interviewed on the South Side were skeptical. “So we get more soldiers, but still no grocery store within a mile?” one woman asked. “Cool. Can the National Guard at least bring milk?”
At press time, Trump announced that after “fixing” Chicago, he would also liberate New York, “then probably Disneyland, which has become very unsafe, very unsafe, folks.”