BELLEVILLE, WI — Runners gearing up for Friday’s Last Dot Standing ultramarathon were surprised to learn the event is apparently doubling as a casting call for the next dystopian Stephen King adaptation, according to race organizers and one suspiciously ominous email from Netflix. The format — run 4.2 miles from Belleville to Dot’s Tavern in […]
Author: HC
AUSTIN, TX — Declaring that “sometimes you just need to flex on the haters,” Elon Musk reportedly bought $1 billion worth of Tesla shares on Friday, an amount he later described as “basically pocket lint I found under a couch cushion.” “People were worried I might leave Tesla, so I dropped a casual billion on […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After years of drama, tense trade talks, and at least three Truth Social posts typed in all caps, a deal has finally been reached to keep TikTok alive in the U.S. — and America’s teenagers are already preparing elaborate thirst traps in celebration. “President Trump personally saved TikTok, just like he saved […]
DETROIT, MI — The Chicago Bears added another chapter to their ongoing tragicomedy Sunday, when referees activated what analysts are now calling “NFL Quantum Mode,” allowing the Lions to score a backbreaking touchdown in a timeline where the half was technically already over. Witnesses say the play began when rookie Isaac TeSlaa (no relation to […]
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — In a bold and heroic move to keep the internet “clean,” Google has quietly killed the &num=100 search parameter — the beloved tool that allowed SEO professionals to see 100 results per page and feel like they were “doing real work.” Industry insiders report that rank-tracking software everywhere is now screaming […]
PALO ALTO, CA — In a shocking announcement that has already sent car traditionalists screaming into their cup holders, Tesla confirmed Wednesday that its long-rumored “Stalk Removal Program” is not only continuing, but will soon evolve into what CEO Elon Musk calls “pure, unadulterated driving telepathy.” “Buttons? Stalks? Physical gear selectors? These are relics of […]
BOSTON—In a groundbreaking paper that bravely proves what every Barnes & Noble employee learned during their first lunch break, researchers announced that the mysterious Richard Bachman is “statistically, spiritually, and coupon-clippily” indistinguishable from Stephen King. The team cited advanced techniques like the Juola protocol, n-gram voodoo, and counting how many times an author lovingly whispers […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move to defend the Republic, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement has cracked down on its most pressing threat: 58-year-old grandmothers who wrote a bad check for $25 sometime during the Obama administration. Donna Hughes-Brown, a grandmother of five who has lived in the U.S. for nearly half a century, […]
“We wanted to create a phone so thin, even your self-esteem could hide behind it,” says Tim Cook, confidently holding up what appears to be a laser pointer. In a stunning keynote delivered on what can only be described as a shimmering vapor trail, Apple has revealed the iPhone Air: their thinnest, lightest, and most […]
MENLO PARK, CA — In a move designed to help retail investors “understand the rules before they accidentally bankrupt themselves,” Robinhood today issued a friendly reminder that day trading only counts if you buy first, then sell. “Look, we’re not monsters,” said a Robinhood spokesperson while monitoring a chart that looked like a ski slope […]
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