LOS ANGELES—Legendary filmmaker Chris Columbus, known for giving the world Home Alone, Mrs. Doubtfire, and two small indie films you may have heard of (Harry Potter and the Stuff Before it Got Really Dark and Harry Potter and the One With the Big Snake), has officially reacted to HBO’s upcoming Harry Potter series: with the […]
Author: HC
HONG KONG — In a bold show of dominance over the attention span of the global population, ByteDance announced a new $330 billion valuation this week, proving once again that short videos of dogs in sunglasses can fuel an economy stronger than most nations’ GDP. The company will buy back employee shares at $200.41 each, […]
In the latest twist of the electric vehicle arms race, Chinese automaker Li Auto has outshined rivals by realizing what Elon Musk, Toyota, and half of Silicon Valley apparently forgot: China is big. “People in Iowa complain about range anxiety,” said a Li Auto engineer, “but have you ever tried to road-trip across Gansu? You […]
LOS ANGELES—The world collectively screamed Monday as Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce announced their engagement, confirming what many feared: there is officially no escape from their relationship, not even in death. Swift captioned the post “Your English teacher and your gym teacher are getting married,” which fans found adorable but critics described as “proof America […]
ANN ARBOR, MI — A new study has revealed that the single greatest barrier to widespread EV adoption isn’t battery range, charging infrastructure, or sticker price. It’s the Rusty Treadmill and 17 Boxes of Christmas Decorations Blocking Every American Garage Since 1989™. The Michigan-based firm Telemetry found that while most homes could technically handle a […]
WILLIAMSON COUNTY, Tenn. — Former Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler has officially been sentenced to four days in jail for a DUI, but many Chicago fans are still wondering if that’s enough punishment for eight seasons of what they call “emotional drunk driving on the field.” Police said Cutler rear-ended another vehicle while slurring his […]
CHICAGO — In a clash that historians are already calling “The Real Housewives of Federalism,” President Donald Trump and Illinois Gov. JB Pritzker have entered an epic screaming match over whether khaki-clad troops should spend their summer vacations patrolling the Magnificent Mile. Trump, who thrives only when given a villain to shadowbox, declared Chicago a […]
NEW YORK — Less than ten years after their shotgun wedding, Keurig and Dr Pepper have announced they’re officially splitting up, citing “irreconcilable differences over who gets custody of Snapple.” The breakup comes just as Keurig plunked down $18 billion to buy Peet’s Coffee, apparently deciding it wanted to “see other coffee.” Immediately afterward, Keurig […]
CRYSTAL LAKE, IL — What started as a tranquil Tuesday evening yin yoga class at Edge Fitness quickly spiraled into an experimental performance piece on intrusive thoughts, misplaced anatomy, and the fragile dignity of holding in gas in a silent room. At 7:30 p.m., the instructor began by polling the class on whether they wanted […]
ELGIN, IL — In a move that biblical scholars are calling “deeply on-brand,” Psalm 77 has been formally adopted as the city charter of Elgin, Illinois. Local officials say the Psalm perfectly captures the spirit of Elgin: crying out in anguish, refusing comfort, staring at the ceiling at 2 a.m., and wondering if God has […]
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