In a powerful display of collective apathy toward personal health and basic food safety, employees at MetroDyne Solutions devoured an unmarked bag of Corn Pops found in the lunch room Tuesday, despite having no information regarding its origin, age, or level of sentience. The cereal, discovered in a loose, Ziploc-style bag with visible condensation and […]
Author: HC
AUSTIN, TX — With only weeks left before his self-imposed deadline, Tesla CEO Elon Musk reaffirmed Monday that he totally plans to remove the “safety monitors” currently sitting in the front passenger seats of his Austin robotaxis — a move experts say will transform the transportation industry, the stock market, and possibly the Darwin Awards. […]
Most people in Huntley have no idea how much power big production builders have over what gets built—and what quietly gets left out. So let’s talk about it in plain language. I’ll stay away from conspiracy-theory stuff and stick to how incentives work, what that usually means for construction quality, and what you, as a […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what historians are already calling “the most hostile poultry-related ceremony in U.S. history,” President Donald Trump delivered the annual Thanksgiving turkey pardon Tuesday with the warmth of a malfunctioning space heater and the subtlety of a bowling ball thrown down a church aisle. Under a gray drizzle that perfectly matched the […]
Buying a new home from a large production builder — whether it’s DR Horton, Lennar, Pulte, or any similar company — feels exciting. Everything is brand new. No old wiring, no worn-out roof, no mystery smells, no surprises. At least… that’s the idea. But here’s the uncomfortable truth most homeowners don’t hear until it’s too […]
In a bold new development in America’s rapidly expanding “please stop stealing absolutely everything” economy, enterprising thieves have begun targeting EV chargers — those friendly public umbilical cords meant to power our green future. Turns out, inside each cable lies the most coveted treasure of all: copper wire, the unofficial state mineral of desperate scrap-metal […]
PALO ALTO, CA — In a bold pivot that surprised no one and confused nearly everyone, Elon Musk took to his favorite social media site (which he also owns, in case you forgot) to announce that Tesla is now an AI chip company — and possibly, by next week, a sentient blockchain. “Most people don’t […]
ATLANTA—In a bold and refreshing new commitment to absolutely winging it, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention updated its vaccine guidance this week to say, essentially, “¯\_(ツ)_/¯ anything’s possible,” stunning scientists, delighting anti-vaxx Facebook groups, and causing one senator to audibly shriek into a decorative handkerchief. The update, which reverses decades of research, agency […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold new interpretation of reality, the Department of Education has announced that nursing — the field responsible for keeping Americans alive, bandaged, hydrated, and vaguely calm since the beginning of hospitals — will no longer qualify as a “professional degree.” Instead, nursing will now be recategorized as something between a […]
CRYSTAL LAKE, IL — In a historic achievement for bipedalism worldwide, Crystal Lake has officially been named a Runner Friendly Community for 2025–2030, following a painstaking application process led by the Hillstriders Running Club and absolutely no input from anyone who enjoys sitting. “This is a monumental day,” said a Hillstriders spokesperson, standing in front […]
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