LOS GATOS, CA — In a bold move fueled by deep corporate insecurity and an ongoing war for the attention span of toddlers with iPads, Netflix has agreed to purchase the film and streaming businesses of Warner Bros Discovery for a staggering $72 billion. Industry analysts say the deal will “reshape Hollywood” and “ensure Netflix […]
Author: HC
In a shocking yet somehow completely predictable development, Crayola has announced a nationwide recall of its “CreateOn Crayola Pip-Cubes” — tiny, magnetized blocks that apparently gave thousands of parents the worst art project of their lives: emergency stomach surgery. The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission issued the recall after discovering the cubes’ magnets could “become […]
(A PSA for website owners who prefer chaos, amnesia, and broken links) The Internet Archive just released a WordPress plugin that automatically preserves your content, fixes broken links, and prevents your website from melting into a 404 graveyard. Naturally, responsible developers and SEO nerds everywhere are excited. But what about the rest of us — […]
In a bold leap toward the future of personal responsibility, Tesla CEO and part-time intergalactic warlord Elon Musk announced that the newest version of Full Self-Driving (Supervised) now allows drivers to text while operating a two-ton electric missile “depending on context of surrounding traffic.” Experts say this is a groundbreaking safety feature, because nothing screams […]
In a bold move that experts are calling “the most ambitious intellectual property grab since Facebook tried to trademark the word ‘face,’” Automattic Inc.—the company behind WordPress.com—has officially informed Automatic.CSS that they must rebrand, because the word “automatic” is obviously theirs, and everyone else is just borrowing it. Sources say the cease-and-desist letter arrived with […]
In a stunning development that absolutely no one maintaining a WordPress site saw coming, hackers have once again discovered that the world’s most popular content management system — which powers a staggering 43% of all websites and 118% of every malware incident — might have a few vulnerabilities. According to a report from Google Threat […]
In a shocking turn of events this Cyber Monday, Shopify experienced a nationwide outage that prevented thousands of merchants from logging in, managing transactions, or crying quietly into their dashboards while checking conversion rates every 14 seconds. The company reported “login authentication issues,” technical jargon meaning someone probably unplugged something critical during a standing-desk yoga […]
GURNEE, IL — Just days after making local history as the first employee to drop a deuce and flee the restroom without washing his hands in the presence of active splash damage, the mysterious “No-Wash Bandit” has struck again — and this time, he’s been identified… by his shoes. Kyle Jensen, the traumatized stall witness […]
CHICAGO—Illinois restaurant servers, bartenders, and other professional apologizers briefly celebrated the new federal “no tax on tips” provision before the state calmly tapped them on the shoulder and whispered, “Not for you, sweetheart.” The federal change, part of the One Big Beautiful Bill Act, permits tipped workers to deduct up to $25,000 of tip income […]
GURNEE, IL — In a fearless act of microbial defiance that’s already shaking the regional HR landscape, a newly hired employee at a mid-sized Gurnee business took an unrepentant post-lunch dump and did not wash his hands, even as another human being actively detonated in the stall beside him. Sources close to the hand soap […]
You must be logged in to post a comment.