NEWARK, CA — Standing confidently in front of a chart that appeared to be actively falling off the screen, Vice President of Communications Nick Twork reassured shareholders Thursday that the company’s stock reaching its third all-time low this week was actually part of a “multi-day success streak.” “Over the last 10 days, we’ve raised over […]
Author: HC
HUNTLEY, IL — In what experts are calling “a bold and deeply confusing personal brand choice,” office receptionist Jizzabel has reportedly doubled down on her end-of-day ritual of sending grown professionals into the evening with the phrase, “See you later, alligator.” The recipients—engineers, project managers, and at least one regional director—are said to freeze momentarily, […]
HUNTLEY, IL — At approximately 4:57 p.m. on a Friday—widely recognized by scientists as “the last hour where nothing matters and time ceases to exist”—local receptionist Jizzabel reportedly entered a higher plane of consciousness, abandoning all professional duties in favor of confidently guessing who was coming up the stairs. Witnesses say the game began innocently, […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Citing ongoing supply chain issues with lethal injection drugs and a renewed commitment to “operational flexibility,” the Department of Justice announced Friday that it will be expanding its federal execution protocol to include firing squads, electrocution, and gas asphyxiation—giving condemned inmates what officials described as “a broader, more personalized end-of-life experience.” “Frankly, the old […]
HAMPSHIRE, IL — Area resident Mark Ellison confirmed Tuesday that he is “apparently the kingpin of an underground traffic violation empire,” after receiving his 14th letter from Municipal Collection Services, LLC regarding a red-light ticket he “definitely, probably, might have committed sometime during the Obama administration.” “I always suspected I was living a double life,” […]
There’s a famous line—“Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!”—which is funny mostly because, historically speaking, people absolutely did expect it. Just not at first. That’s how these things tend to work. The first time feels like a shock. The second time feels like a pattern. By the third, you’re rearranging your schedule around it. The Spanish […]
CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—In a reassuring update to investors and nearby residents, Tesla confirmed Tuesday that a recently discovered second wastewater pipe at its lithium refinery is “not the same pipe” referenced in existing permits, and therefore should not be expected to follow the same rules, logic, or basic awareness. “People are getting confused because they’re […]
WASHINGTON—In a bold display of strategic patience and vague optimism, President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that the United States would extend its ceasefire with Iran “until such time as their proposal is submitted, and discussions are concluded, one way or the other,” a timeline experts confirmed translates loosely to “whenever everyone stops being weird about […]
WASHINGTON— In a bold new expansion of free-market principles, President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that companies are now free to request billions in legally owed tariff refunds—so long as they’re comfortable being placed on what aides are calling a “purely sentimental, definitely-not-retaliatory memory list.” Speaking from a phone interview that economists later described as “legally […]
VATICAN CITY—In a bold effort to restore order to the increasingly confusing overlap between religion and… religion, Vice President JD Vance on Monday urged Pope Leo XIV to “stick to matters of morality” and avoid weighing in on complicated topics like war, power, and the moral consequences of war and power. “Look, we all respect […]
You must be logged in to post a comment.