WASHINGTON— In a bold new expansion of free-market principles, President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that companies are now free to request billions in legally owed tariff refunds—so long as they’re comfortable being placed on what aides are calling a “purely sentimental, definitely-not-retaliatory memory list.”
Speaking from a phone interview that economists later described as “legally fascinating and spiritually confusing,” Trump praised corporations like Apple and Amazon for heroically choosing not to click the “Request Refund” button on the government’s newly launched CAPE portal.
“It’s brilliant,” Trump said. “Some companies are saying, ‘No thank you, we don’t want our money back.’ And I say, wow. Loyalty. Patriotism. Possibly fear. I remember things like that.”
The CAPE system, designed to return up to $166 billion in tariffs deemed незакон—sorry, illegal—by the Supreme Court, reportedly processed thousands of applications within hours, along with several thousand users hovering nervously over the submit button while whispering, “Do we like being remembered or not?”
Administration officials clarified that participation in the refund program is entirely voluntary, much like smiling during a performance review.
“Companies are free to seek refunds,” said one senior official. “We simply encourage them to consider the long-term benefits of not receiving billions of dollars.”
Legal experts confirmed that the president’s remarks introduce a groundbreaking new category of corporate governance: fiduciary vibes.
Meanwhile, several firms that did file for refunds were reportedly reclassified overnight as “the enemy,” a designation traditionally reserved for geopolitical rivals but now expanded to include accounting departments with strong opinions about cash flow.
“We ran the numbers,” said one CFO requesting anonymity. “It turns out ‘patriotic losses’ don’t actually show up well on earnings calls.”
Others remain undecided. Walmart executives were seen holding an emergency meeting in which they attempted to determine whether $2.3 billion was “worth being vaguely frowned upon.”
At press time, the CAPE portal added a new optional checkbox beneath the refund submission form:
☐ I understand that requesting this money may result in being emotionally remembered by the federal government.