YORKVILLE, IL—Authorities confirmed Wednesday that a local woman has been charged with first-degree murder after presenting investigators with the increasingly ambitious theory that her boyfriend attacked her, discharged a firearm, and then somehow shot himself through the back.
According to court documents, 31-year-old Lindsy Kendrick allegedly told police, “He has a gun in there,” “He shot it,” and, in a statement unlikely to appear on any attorney’s list of recommended phrases, “I’m sure we both were in a fit of rage.”
Investigators reportedly became skeptical after an autopsy revealed the bullet entered the victim’s back and exited through his chest, a trajectory experts described as “technically possible only if the human spine has recently added a reverse-fire feature.”
Police also recovered long blonde hair intertwined in the victim’s hand, found no substantial visible injuries on Kendrick, and administered a gunshot-residue test after she declined—prompting her legal strategy to rapidly transition from self-defense to please stop collecting evidence.
Kendrick, whose FOID card had reportedly already been revoked, now faces six counts of first-degree murder, aggravated battery with a firearm, aggravated discharge of a firearm, and unlawful possession of a weapon—charges that prosecutors apparently included after discovering Illinois does not offer one larger “Everything About This Is Bad” felony.
A judge ordered her detained following a hearing in which the defense was expected to argue that the firearm, bullet trajectory, physical evidence, autopsy, phone, fingernail scrapings, and witness statements were all participating in a coordinated misunderstanding.
WGN readers seeking additional context were then immediately shown an advertisement explaining that cognitive decline can be reversed by avoiding three foods, followed by a warning to squeeze honey onto their dog’s tongue and a report that Amazon shoppers are canceling Prime using one weird trick.
Legal analysts emphasized that Kendrick is presumed innocent unless proven guilty, while the internet remains presumed guilty of placing “Country Star Loses 275 Pounds With Gelatin” directly beneath a murder report.