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CHICAGO—A new population breakdown has revealed the shocking discovery that Chicago’s nearly 2.7 million residents are not, in fact, concentrated exclusively inside the Gibson’s dining room or a single 3-block stretch of Michigan Avenue. Instead, officials learned the hard truth: people live all over the city, even in places aldermen only drive through with the […]
CHICAGO—After wandering away from Millennium Park in search of “authentic deep-dish,” 27-year-old tourist Amanda Miller was stunned to discover that Chicago’s 2.7 million residents are not, in fact, all clustered around the Bean waiting to take selfies. Her journey quickly turned into an accidental city-wide anthropology expedition: After six hours, three train lines, two confused […]
In a sweeping new policy shift, ICANN has announced that as of August 21, 2025, your embarrassing WHOIS listings may finally die the quiet death they deserve. For decades, internet users who once filled out the “Organization” field with fake names like “ButtStuff LLC” just to get past the form will be relieved to know: […]
HUNTLEY, IL — Calling it a “strategic time-management decision,” area man Brian Hamilton reported Wednesday that he successfully avoided driving five minutes down the street by instead spending $87.66 on DoorDash for a single Chipotle burrito, a fountain drink, and a mysterious $19 “convenience fee” he swears wasn’t there yesterday. “I just couldn’t justify the […]
In a move that historians are already calling “peak 2025 energy,” former President Donald Trump revoked Kamala Harris’ Secret Service protection Thursday, replacing it with what sources describe as “the goodwill of Los Angeles traffic cops and one very nervous Ring doorbell.” According to a memo titled “This Is Totally Normal, Believe Me”, Trump authorized […]
In what experts are calling “the boldest move since someone tried to copyright the color blue,” the WordPress Foundation has suffered a crushing defeat at the hands of the United States Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO). Their applications to trademark the phrases “Managed WordPress” and “Hosted WordPress” were rejected, on the grounds that… well… those […]
In a move that officially makes Monopoly money look conservative, OpenAI is reportedly in talks to sell employee shares at a $500 billion valuation—because apparently $300 billion just “wasn’t giving main-character energy.” Sources say the deal will let employees cash out billions, rewarding them for their heroic work of making chatbots that can draft emails, […]
LOS ANGELES—Legendary filmmaker Chris Columbus, known for giving the world Home Alone, Mrs. Doubtfire, and two small indie films you may have heard of (Harry Potter and the Stuff Before it Got Really Dark and Harry Potter and the One With the Big Snake), has officially reacted to HBO’s upcoming Harry Potter series: with the […]
HONG KONG — In a bold show of dominance over the attention span of the global population, ByteDance announced a new $330 billion valuation this week, proving once again that short videos of dogs in sunglasses can fuel an economy stronger than most nations’ GDP. The company will buy back employee shares at $200.41 each, […]
In the latest twist of the electric vehicle arms race, Chinese automaker Li Auto has outshined rivals by realizing what Elon Musk, Toyota, and half of Silicon Valley apparently forgot: China is big. “People in Iowa complain about range anxiety,” said a Li Auto engineer, “but have you ever tried to road-trip across Gansu? You […]
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