WASHINGTON—In a reassuring reminder that America remains a nation of laws, several of which are apparently negotiable in bulk, former national security adviser John Bolton has reportedly agreed to plead guilty to one count of retaining classified information after prosecutors carefully placed the original 18 counts into the federal justice system’s industrial-grade count-reduction machine.
Officials said the agreement proves that no one is above the law, though some individuals may hover several feet above it if they are carrying a memoir manuscript, a famous mustache, and $2.25 million in exact change.
“Classified information is among the most sensitive material our government possesses,” said one imaginary Justice Department spokesperson, lowering their voice to a whisper before adding, “unless it appears in diary-like notes, in which case we may need to check whether it was technically classified, emotionally classified, memoir-adjacent, or just spicy journaling with geopolitical seasoning.”
Legal experts praised the deal as an important precedent, explaining that mishandling classified information remains extremely serious unless the defendant has achieved the proper combination of former high office, cable-news familiarity, and enough money to make prison seem financially inefficient.
“At the end of the day, this sends a clear message,” said one constitutional scholar. “That message is heavily redacted.”
Sources close to the matter said Bolton was relieved the case may soon be behind him, though he remains concerned the guilty plea could be misinterpreted by enemies, critics, allies, former allies, current enemies who used to be allies, and several family members who were allegedly just trying to get through a normal dinner without receiving a classified recap of the Situation Room.
The judge will ultimately determine Bolton’s sentence, which could reportedly range from no prison time to five years, depending on legal arguments, sentencing guidelines, and whether the courtroom printer accidentally spits out the original 18-count version.
At press time, government officials reminded Americans that classified documents should always be handled securely, unless they are needed for a book, a legacy, a political vendetta, a legal settlement, or whatever the next guy says his reason was.