In a bold new stance against both semiconductors and side dishes, investor Kevin O’Leary warned this week that America’s greatest technological threat isn’t foreign adversaries or rogue AI—but “government-subsidized Intel chips getting too close to fries.”
The warning came after a viral video showed a robot malfunctioning near a tray of golden, lightly salted chaos, prompting O’Leary to deliver what experts are calling “the most aggressive anti-potato stance since the Atkins diet.”
“This is not funny,” O’Leary announced, immediately confirming it was, in fact, very funny. “This is what happens when you fund companies instead of letting them die peacefully like nature intended.”
He then clarified that the real issue wasn’t robotics, artificial intelligence, or even the robot itself—but rather the deeply unsettling combination of public funding and carbohydrates.
Experts Weigh In, Also Confused
Industry analysts quickly scrambled to interpret the breakthrough theory that fries may act as a kind of electromagnetic kryptonite for subsidized silicon.
“Up until now, we believed robots failed due to things like software bugs, sensor errors, or… reality,” said one robotics engineer. “But learning that curly fries can destabilize federally-backed chips? That opens up a whole new field of… whatever this is.”
Early reports suggest the robot in question may have simply experienced a routine malfunction. However, this explanation was dismissed for lacking sufficient drama and cable news viability.
Proposed Solution: Eye Removal
In a move hailed as “both medically questionable and spiritually medieval,” O’Leary proposed a universal robot safety mechanism:
“Just pull one of its eyes out,” he said, describing a feature not currently found in any engineering textbook but strongly aligned with ancient mythology.
Tech companies are now reportedly rushing to integrate “Emergency Ocular Detachment Protocols” into next-generation robots, with early prototypes featuring clearly labeled “Yank Here” tabs.
Meanwhile, Robots Continue Learning… Carefully Around Fries
Despite the incident, humanoid robotics continues advancing at a pace that is both impressive and mildly unsettling.
Tesla claims it may soon embed advanced intelligence into humanoid robots, while companies like Figure AI and Xiaomi are already demonstrating robots that can perform tasks like household chores and factory assembly—with success rates hovering comfortably above “completely panicking near lunch.”
Still, insiders confirm that all future demonstrations will now take place at a safe, federally approved distance from any fried foods.
At Press Time
Intel engineers were reportedly working around the clock to patch a newly discovered vulnerability labeled:
“Critical Bug: Proximity to Fries (Severity: Delicious)”
Meanwhile, McDonald’s has denied any involvement, stating only that their fries have been “causing system failures in humans for decades” and they see no reason to stop now.