NEW YORK—In what historians are now calling “a decisive and deeply strategic victory,” a set of bone spurs located in the feet of a 22-year-old college graduate reportedly neutralized the entire threat of the Vietnam War in 1968.
The bone spurs, which emerged just in time after four years of academically-based tactical evasion, were described by medical experts as “extremely well-timed” and “highly responsive to geopolitical pressure.”
“Frankly, we’ve never seen bone spurs operate with this level of precision,” said one unnamed physician. “Most bone spurs just sit there. These understood the assignment.”
Military officials at the time confirmed that the condition rendered its host completely unfit for combat, though notably still capable of walking, networking, and pursuing a promising career in real estate development.
“War is hell,” said one draft board member. “But have you ever tried it with mildly inconvenient foot discomfort? We simply couldn’t risk it.”
Sources close to the situation say the bone spurs have since gone on to enjoy a long and distinguished career in selective appearances, remaining largely asymptomatic except during periods of national service.
At press time, historians confirmed the Vietnam War ended without ever facing them directly, calling it “one of the great what-ifs of modern military history.”