WASHINGTON—In an effort to clear up centuries of confusion about the scope of papal authority, Vice President J.D. Vance on Monday gently reminded Pope Leo XIV that his job is to “handle vibes, candles, and maybe forgiveness,” while leaving all policy matters—such as war, immigration, and crime—to “people with access to cable news green rooms.”
“Look, the pope has a lane,” Vance explained, carefully placing a bookmark in his upcoming memoir about faith before returning to national governance. “That lane is morality, spirituality, and issuing broad, timeless guidance about right and wrong—as long as it doesn’t overlap with anything currently happening.”
Sources confirmed the Vatican was surprised to learn that morality had been successfully separated from public policy sometime between the segments on Fox News.
The vice president, the highest-ranking Catholic in the U.S. government, emphasized that conflicts between the Church and the state are “totally normal,” noting that “sometimes you’ve got a 2,000-year-old institution talking about compassion, and sometimes you’ve got an administration talking about being tough on crime—it’s just different content verticals.”
At press time, Vance clarified that the pope is still welcome to speak on moral issues, provided those issues remain strictly hypothetical.