Somewhere deep inside the Constitution, James Madison just sighed and deleted LinkedIn.
In a historic step toward “government efficiency,” the IRS has reportedly agreed to permanently stop examining Donald Trump’s taxes — along with those of his sons and company — because apparently the best way to solve concerns about executive overreach is to simply preemptively uninstall accountability altogether.
The agreement also creates a $1.776 billion “Anti-Weaponization Fund,” which sounds less like a federal program and more like the premium DLC pack for American democracy.
Officials say the fund will reimburse citizens who believe they were unfairly investigated by the government. Early applicants reportedly include January 6 rioters, several crypto influencers, a guy banned from Applebee’s in Tampa, and every uncle who’s ever posted “DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH” next to a Minions meme.
Critics called the arrangement “corrupt” and “a slush fund,” while supporters praised it as a bold new era where the government finally works the way Americans always dreamed: like a customer loyalty program.
“After 10 investigations, your next indictment is free,” explained one administration official.
Meanwhile, the IRS is said to be pivoting toward less politically sensitive targets, including waitresses claiming cash tips, a guy who sold Pokémon cards on eBay, and a divorced dad who forgot to report $37 in DoorDash income in 2022.
The Treasury Department confirmed Trump will not receive financial damages, only a formal apology from the federal government — marking the first time in U.S. history the phrase “we’re sorry” has been recognized as a tax deduction.