🚨 Tesla Announces Porsche Supercharger Access, Pretends It’s About “EV Unity” While Quietly Installing Credit Card Readers on Chargers 🚨

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — In a move that has industry insiders muttering “of course they did” into their soy lattes, Tesla confirmed today that Porsche EV owners will soon be allowed to plug into its prized Supercharger network—provided they’re cool with paying a “non-Tesla convenience markup fee” rumored to range from “mildly insulting” to “are you sure this isn’t a Porsche dealership service invoice?”

While automakers rarely agree on anything—from gear shifters that look like jet throttles to seat warmers hidden behind three layers of touchscreens—the EV world has apparently united under Tesla’s NACS charge port. Porsche is the latest to fold, announcing its Taycans, Macans, and future Cayenne Electric will all cozy up to Elon’s plugs starting September 9th.

But industry analysts say Tesla’s motives are as transparent as a Cybertruck window:

• “Tesla saw Porsche owners, who already pay $185 for cupholders, and thought: Why not make them pay $0.99 per kWh extra just for the privilege of standing near a Model Y?” explained one analyst.
• Porsche drivers will still need to download the Tesla app at first—a ritual Elon describes as “spiritual onboarding”—before a future “plug-and-pay” system allows Tesla to silently siphon funds directly from their Swiss bank accounts.

Meanwhile, Porsche has promised free adapters for some customers, “complimentary” in the same way airlines offer free water after charging $40 for a carry-on. Owners of older models can buy their adapter today for just $185—an oddly Porsche price tag that economists believe was calculated by randomly opening a dealership invoice and picking a number.

Tesla insists this is all part of its broader mission to accelerate sustainable transport. Critics note the mission statement left out the words “…while also monetizing every single Porsche that pulls up.”

At press time, Elon Musk tweeted that Porsche owners will “finally know the joy of waiting in line at a Sheboygan Supercharger behind a guy charging his Model 3 to 100% because he’s ‘almost home.’”