AUSTIN, TX — Declaring that “sometimes you just need to flex on the haters,” Elon Musk reportedly bought $1 billion worth of Tesla shares on Friday, an amount he later described as “basically pocket lint I found under a couch cushion.”
“People were worried I might leave Tesla, so I dropped a casual billion on some shares to remind everyone that I’m stuck here like a bad tattoo,” said Musk while posting a meme of himself Photoshopped onto the Wolf of Wall Street. “Besides, I made $8.6 billion from the stock pop this morning, so technically I got paid $7.6 billion to do this.”
Wall Street analysts hailed the move as “an inspiring display of capitalism’s weirdest trust exercise,” noting that Tesla’s stock jumped 7% at market open because nothing reassures investors like the richest man alive casually rebuying a fraction of a company he already controls.
Tesla’s board praised Musk’s purchase as a “powerful gesture of commitment” while quietly asking him to stop threatening to move his AI division to a “secret volcano lair” unless he gets 25% voting control.
When asked about the new $1 trillion pay package Tesla has proposed, Musk simply replied, “Cool. That should cover my Diet Coke habit.”
Meanwhile, Pope Leo XIV weighed in from Vatican City, saying, “This is exactly what Jesus meant when he said, ‘Blessed are the shareholders, for they shall inherit the moon mission.’”
Musk confirmed that if Tesla stock hits $2 trillion in market cap, he will celebrate by buying 10 more shares, giving Dogecoin controlling interest in the company, and launching the first robotaxi to Mars.