In a shocking twist of corporate generosity, Amazon announced it will spend more than $1 billion to raise pay and cut healthcare costs for its U.S. warehouse and transportation workers — presumably so employees can finally afford treatment for the back problems they got from working at Amazon.
The company proudly revealed that average compensation will jump to over $30 an hour including benefits, and full-time employees will get an extra $1,600 a year — just enough to buy an ergonomic chair they’ll be written up for using on the job floor.
In a bold move toward affordability, Amazon will slash its entry-level health plan to $5 a week in 2026 — coincidentally, just after another peak holiday season of “voluntary mandatory overtime.” “We’re excited to make healthcare cheaper just in time for our workers’ future injuries,” said one Amazon spokesperson, likely while sprinting to make a delivery in under two hours.
Labor organizers cautiously celebrated, noting that this was the first time Amazon had raised wages before a strike, rather than after one. “At this rate,” one union rep said, “by 2030 they might even let workers go to the bathroom without scanning out.”
Amazon clarified that none of this would affect its famously efficient package delivery times. “Our employees may be slightly happier,” said the company, “but we have strict policies in place to ensure this will not delay your same-day shipment of decorative throw pillows.”